Even though...

...there are four days left in the year, I'm saying goodbye to 2009 today here at the Date Project. In this my 77th post I'm going to let go of a year that has been a rollercoaster. Odd number years are always iffy for me. I don't know how to describe it, but even numbered years are always better. I know, I know, it's like a superstition or self-fulfilling prophesy, but that works both ways right? I will have a good 2010.

I will be working backstage for the "Rocky Horror Show" at the Tower Theatre on New Year's Eve this year, which I'm pretty excited about. I will miss Kris and Steve's bash, which is sad, but I also won't have anybody looking at 'Werewolf' and I and shaking their heads, wondering why we're not a couple. It's never intentional on their part, but I know what those looks are about.

New year's would be nothing without resolutions and here's mine:

I will live for myself this year, disregarding what others think I should be doing.

I hope that everyone has a fun and safe New Year's Eve and a great 2010! Love you all,

K

New Traditions

Holiday traditions have always been very important to me. I suppose they have always been a way for me to control my environment when I feel the most vulnerable. The problem being that, the last couple of years, my family has made it pretty clear that they have no interest in continuing the traditions that have been in our family for years. With that, and many other factors playing in, I have decided to start creating my own traditions, holiday and otherwise, and not allowing my expectations to get out of hand with regards to my family.

I had the second worst Christmas in my life this year, and I intend to put it behind me and move on.

Busy Week

It's the holidays, so I'm quite sure that all of you are having the same time issues as me, there never seems to be enough time in the day. So here's what I've been doing over the past week since I've written.

Monday - Circle N sponsored a concert for KJUG, called the 'Jingle Jam', as part of our marketing for the month of December. The fun side of sponsoring these things is that we get free tickets, and for this one we got to go to a VIP party before the concert and meet the band. They are an adorable trio of guys called Love And Theft, if you like modern Country music you should check them out. I hope they get really big, cause I got them to sign my guitar, which already has Chely Wright's signature on it (she is also a Country act). I also got to see Brooke on Monday. She joined us at the concert and for dinner afterwards. It was a really fun night, up until the point that Aunt Karen asked how much I spent on the advertising.

Side note: I just LOVE it when a customer asks a question, and then tells you that your answer is wrong!

Tuesday - I headed north Tuesday night to walk Christmas Tree Lane with Brooke and Jay. I think that by the end of the two mile walk I was unable to form sentences. I'm not in bad shape, but it was cold, and stressful to be out with people that I don't know that well.

Wednesday - Although it was a pretty low-key night, I went out to dinner with Grandma, Aunt Karen and Uncle Jim, which is always a little stressful.

Thursday - Thursday was our big promotion for the month of December, a Men's Night, so that guys could come and pick up all their gifts in one night. We offered free gift wrapping, snacks and drinks, and we had about three guys show up. It was very disappointing. I'd had several people tell me what a great idea they thought it was, a lot of good response form our radio and print ads, and folks telling me that they would be here, but alas, practically no one showed up.

Friday - I went up to Fresno on Firday to spend the day with Brooke. It was a good time, but as always, exhausting because I'm not living up there yet, and I have nowhere to go when I want to just rest. We ended the night at Starline with Nate Butler's Christmas Sing-a-long, which was cool because I saw a few people that I haven't seen for a while. By 10pm I was a pumpkin and drove home.

Saturday - Nicole and Grant's Christmas party. As always, a good time, with lots of catching up and nerd games. I am the real life of the party too, since I fell asleep while playing Werewolf.

Sunday - Family Christmas. Actually, sunday really started with me walking into the house to discover the jug that I had been steeping Limoncello in, in the sink and full of water. My mom decided to clean, and instead of asking, thought that it was some old lemonade and cleaned out the jug. I can not tell you how sick in the stomach this makes me. And sad. There goes my goal of hand made gifts, three gifts down the drain. (Limoncello takes six weeks to make so there's no way to make more) Sunday night we went for our traditional pizza parlor dinner and gifts under the tree with the extended family. What always makes me crazy, is the adults, mainly my grandmother and aunt, who expect the kids to sit patiently before they get gifts and after the gifts are open. 'Stop rough housing!', 'Don't make noise!' 'Behave!', as if they are not kids that are excited that it's Christmas, and that they are getting presents. And then, I find out that my mom and dad have had a fight, and my dad left last night. I just give up!

Oh, Friends

I've been stood up! My date tonight didn't happen, but don't cry for me Argentina, obviously he wasn't worth my time. I think maybe he was looking for a bootie call, or one night stand, or whatever last night and since I didn't give it up, he didn't think I was worth a second drink. Whatever he thought, he didn't share his thoughts with me. Good thing I'm well able to entertain myself.

A date?

Yesterday was Adi's 21st birthday, so a bunch of her friends took her out for drinks. We ended up at Visalia Brewing Company, which incidentally I have never been to, where they were doing some karaoke. Not that it's a big surprise, I think they karaoke there every night. At any rate, as I was choosing a song to sing, a gentleman started talking to me. Well, what do you know, I didn't make a complete ass of myself and eventually he bought me a drink. As the night progressed he asked me to dance. And, as we were leaving I gave him my card. He called - 15 minutes later - and asked me out for tonight! Adi and Matt think he might be gay, but hey I'm going to go out with him anyway.

hey friends

Remember how I have those goals of things I want to accomplish before I turn 34? Well, I wanted to give you a status update.

Goal #2: Start a business: Well, I got my business cards, so I guess All Season Creative is off and running, although I haven't officially done anything yet. Can't check it off yet, but the cards are beautiful (Thanks Laura, you're awesome!).

Goal #4: I am in process on several Christmas gifts, I will post pictures as soon as I give the gifts out.

Goal #7: Well, since none of us can afford to go to Dicken's this year, this goal will have to be scraped. Maybe I can dance with a stranger at a New Year's Party this year?!

Goal #9: I'm on page 50 of "War And Peace"

Goal #32: there aren't many foods that I am scared of, I may need some help.

As for Goal #1: Finish The Date Project - Well, maybe I'll try online dating again.

Loves!

Lots of Ground

Oh friends, I have a lot of ground to cover tonight.

I. Over a week since my last post, but a downswing week to be sure. Rest assured I am now on the upswing. Swings? Yes, as in my cycle of mood swings. I think I've officially made a scientific study of these swings and can now say that I have a complete four week cycle figured out.

week one: downshifting; I start to feel bad about myself, therefore I treat myself to copious amounts of Ben & Jerry's, which makes me feel guilty, thereby creating a downward spiral.

week two: bottom of the heap; Wherein I am depressed and don't want to leave my house, bedroom, or even my comfy bed. (usually coincides with "Aunt Flo" visiting)

week three: manic upswing; unbridled optimism and confidence. I always dress the best in this week.

week four: realism; the week that I get the most accomplished, punctuated by list making and cleaning projects.

Now, if I could just figure out how to work out a work schedule that could play to the strengths of my natural rhythms I would be in business.


II. This week I have begun almost all of my Christmas presents, but I'm starting to get nervous that I won't finish them all in the next three weeks. Of course, last year Julia got her present on her birthday in April instead of at Christmas. Hopefully that won't happen again. I was also going to send out Christmas cards this week, but realized that I don't really have the physical addresses of my friends. It is an odd world that we live in, for sure.


III. Tonight I attended the encore performance of Airplane Jayne's one woman show "Looking for my Man-I-Can". It was so funny, and gave me a shot in the arm for this project. Dating and relationships are so strange, but the fun is in sharing your own story and finding people who have been through something similar.


IV. Speaking of - My friend Young Andrew and I have been chatting a bit on facebook, since we both seem to be online in the morning at about the same time. This week we were commiserating and I realized that men's dating lives aren't that different from a woman's. Miscommunications, misread signals, and hurt feelings. Of course, that thought brought to mind Jag's bit of wisdom from several months ago, that 'a man must jump over barriers whilst a woman is simultaneously lowering them'. What a dog and pony show this dating is. The fact is that my barriers are there for a reason (daddy issues) and there don't seem to be any men trying to jump those barriers at the moment.


V. That thought makes me wonder if the men who were going to try to jump my barriers have tried already. I've had my alotment, rejected them, and am now forever doomed to singleton status.

The year I turned 20 was one of the worst of my life, my parents divorce, dropping out of Westmont (though, definitely the right decision), and a job at my old high school as a coach for the colorguard. That job made me so fucking miserable, although, in hindsight, it probably saved me from finishing my degree in English with a teaching credential, getting a job as a teacher and living a life of pure misery. The one bright spot of the job was a guy named Chris that I had gone to school with. Chris was the drumline coach, a super D & D nerd, but very sweet. Unfortunately Chris decided that it would be really cute for us to become a couple. Without consulting me about this decision. I liked Chris, as a friend, in fact at the time he was probably my best friend, but I was not ready for him to start sending me bouquets of roses, or make suggestive remarks in front of our students. He came on really strong and I immediately retreated, threw up every barrier I could find, think of, whatever. Luckily, the next month I got fired, and I haven't seen him since, but I do wish I could go back and tell him to chill out. I might have responded to more subtlety.

BTW, if you are in the Fresno area this coming week there are a few things I plan to attend and you should too. One is the Circle de Noel show, it's a bunch of Fresno based etsy sellers, getting together and selling their crafts and art on Dec. 10th. I'll try to get more info and post it. The other thing is White Rice Christmas at KP's Actor's Gym. It's about Asian immigrant's experiences with the American version of Christmas.

Music

Yesterday it occurred to me that when my mother was my age, I was eight. Let me start at the beginning here -

Have you ever had one of those conversations with yourself, in your head, where one thought leads to another somewhat related thought, and on and so on, until you land on a thought that seems profound in that moment. Yesterday morning I was thinking about karaoke, or waraoke really, a game that Jag has described wherein you put a song into the karaoke pot for a friend and challenge them to perform it. This lead me to think about music, the songs I know, how I was introduced to popular music, the songs that Jag might pick to get me with and the likelihood that I would be familiar with the song.

My mom loves music, in fact she has a huge record collection and I remember that we used to get a new record just about every month. I think she might have been in one of those club things. It was pretty exciting to open the package, not knowing what would be inside, slip the record from the sleeve for the first time, put it on the turntable in the entry, and dance. She had a real random collection too. Culture Club, Micheal Jackson, Meryl Haggard, Yes, Hank Williams, and Little River Band were all stacked up together in the entry cabinet. Our entry had a lineoleum floor that was perfect for dancing. Actually, one of the funniest parts about that point in my childhood, is that when I would sing along my mom would say 'please stop, you sound like a dying cat. You're never going to be a singer Kristin.' Boy didn't she get a shock when I hit puberty and started get solos in choir.

The fact is, my mom, the one that danced with me to 'karma chameleon' in the entry was my current age. She was raising two kids and dealing with a child of a husband, who, in less than a year would make a total cock-up of his life and leave her to raise the kids herself.

Luckily she had Santana, and George Straight, and Reba, and the BeeGees, and all of that music.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Back to the light

Those of you that know me well know that the mopey-schmopeyness that I post is not what I am like in person. I'm not sure what that is all about, just that I am an incurable optimist with a sad streak. Today I thought I'd post some pictures of what makes me happy when I am really feeling blue, in no particular order.

1. My theatre friends. This is a picture of Brooke and I presenting a director's gift to Teresa Hylton. I think that this show was pretty bad, and I don't care, I had such a good time doing it. I got to chase Brooke and Jenn around with a broom, make fake sex sounds with Rick (seems to be a theme with me and Tennesee Williams), and generally do my craft. Brooke looked absolutely gorgeous in this show, although I think that the two of us costumed her better for The Foreigner.

2. Old-timey pictures of my grandparents. This is my Grandpa Nalbandian's family, that's him in the military uniform in the middle. This particular picture always makes me wish I had taken after Aunt Charlotte, on the right of grandpa, and not like Aunt Sarah, furthest left. They're very Armenian looking though, don't you think.
My Grandfather was a paratrooper in WWII. His purple heart is from a jump on the island of Corrigedor (sp?), where he spent three days fighting on a broken foot, making sure that the men who were fighting along side him were safe, before he asked for medical attention.
I just love seeing old pictures that remind me that he was a hotty. My grandmother was quite a beauty as well, I'll have to find a picture and post it.

3. People laughing. Especially when those people are ones I know and love. This is Uncle Jim (in the white Cowboy hat) and Aunt Karen at the Three Rivers Roping. I love to see pictures of them having fun.

So this is what's making me happy today, oh and 'The Diamond Age' by Neal Stephenson. What about you?

Single

Of all of my girlfriends, I am officially the last one single. That fact was brought into clear focus this week. Don't misunderstand me, I am so happy for them, I love that they are in various stages of love, getting some, all of that jazz. I just find the prospect of being a crazy old cat lady daunting, especially when it looks like I'll be the only one.

I love my solitude. I prefer to see movies by myself, am undetered from eating in a restaurant by myself, love the time I get to spend curled up in my big leather chair just surfing the net, but there is occasionally a crushing sense of loneliness that is inescapable. Even my planned move to Fresno isn't going to keep me from being alone, I'll just be alone in different circumstances.

Fortunately I've realized that it won't be fixed by 'the weight of a man on top of me' as SJP said on Sex in the City, not that I would turn that down, but it's something in me, something unfixable. I think my need to fill that gap of loneliness is in my eyes, it scares men away, they don't want to deal with that intensity right away. I get it, it's scary to have someone need you right away. I just don't know how to get rid of that look in my eyes.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I've probably had that look since I was nine. The year my dad left. I love my dad, but he was pretty fucked up when I was a kid. When I was nine, he went to prison, and I spent years trying to figure out why. Why we were less important. Why he thought we would be okay without him. Why I was not enough to keep him home. Intellectually I understand that it had nothing to do with me, or anything that I did, but how do you convince your inner child of that? How do you fix the broken?

Fuck, I'm a depressing old hag. Sorry friends.

No Job

I am unemployable. Apparently working for a family business for years and moonlighting as an actor isn't that impressive on a resume. All of that college for nothing, especially since I never got my degree. Not that a degree in Theatre would do me much good. How depressing.

On a lighter note, I listed one of my crochet flowers on etsy. I wore it today as a broach though, so I'll have to make a new one if someone wants to buy it.

Sorry friends, I'm feeling generally shitty about life.

The Parents

My parents are going through a rough patch right now. Wait, what am I talking about, their relationship is a rough patch. If you ever want to understand my emotional retardation, you merely need to spend a day or two as a fly on the wall in my parent's house. I don't know what I want to say about all of this, just that I no longer have the energy to navigate their issues. I am not going to be their bridge builder anymore.

My Full Story

OK, so I didn't tell the full story last night because, well, it was 3 in the morning.

I got dolled up last night, knowing that I would be at a club with lots of funny men and I love funny men. Let me tell you, I was looking pretty darn cute - Little black dress, black textured tights, red heels (my old standards), and red cardy. Did my hairs, some makeup, and got lots of 'wow, you look hot', which was making me feel darn good about myself. A lady at the gas station even told me I looked good. So I breezed into Tokyo Gardens feeling good about myself, found HP at the bar, got myself a Slow Gin Fizz (had to tell the bartender how to make it) and Jag announced that we had to meet his friends Chris and Roger (I think that was his name), that I especially would like Chris. *foreboding music starts here* We headed over to their table, and as soon as I turned the corner and saw Chris, I got nervous. There was some awkward moving around so that folks could sit down, with Chris suggesting I sit on his lap, then giving up his seat for me, but I was immediately struck with a case of jitters. (btw, could the booths at Tokyo Gardens be any smaller?) He's good looking, funny, obviously smart, there is no way this guy would ever even consider me, right? I spent the better part of the next twenty to thirty minutes trying to keep up with the conversation, laugh when appropriate, and not turn into my hyena alter ego.

The show started, and because of the way in which Tokyo Gardens is set up, I'm practically in Chris' lap trying to see the stage. The show itself was good, if uneven, with some guys killing (Johnny Osborne) and some guys dying (Jeff the Bastard). All the while, Chris is adding little aside jokes, some of which I get, some of which I just don't hear. Apparently everyone else notices that he's paying attention to me, everyone except me. Young Andy even tells me this morning that he thought Chris was my date. Very helpful.

After the show we head to the Grill for some munchies. I'm the first one there, get a table, get my chat on with SM (who ignores me just a little bit, admit it, you totally did!). Chris arrives next, but I'm not sure what to talk about, and am feeling particularly awkward. Once Jag and HP arrive, convo was smooth sailing again for a while, though I can feel them (Jag and HP) willing me to be better at the talking and interacting.

At last call, we're winding down and I head to the restroom, HP and Jag head home and I think Chris has gone as well. As I'm leaving, I stop to give SM a hug, and he gives me a funny look and a nudge over the shoulder. I'm like 'What?' and he directs me to Chris, standing there waiting. So I say to Chris 'oh, I'm sorry were you waiting to talk to Mike or Stephen?' like I need to get out of his way. SM hisses 'No, silly, he's been waiting for you.' 'What, noooo!' *much eye rolling on SM's part* I awkwardly try to salvage by digging in my purse for a card to give him. 'Well, it was really nice to meet you' *smile* He leaves and SM is indicating that I should chase after, which I should have. I don't know that there is any way to erase my cluelessness, but I wish I had those last five minutes to do over.

My Own Worst Enemy

I am an idiot friends.

Went to Jag's comedy show tonight and he introduced me to a man named Chris, a gorgeous, funny and available man. Apparently Chris was sending me signals that he was interested, which I missed because I am clueless. Honestly, I just thought there was no way that he would be interested in me.

The Countdown - bullet points

I have 54 days until I officially move north, and yes I do have a calendar wherein I am crossing off days with a red marker.

Yesterday I went to view an apartment in the Tower District, cute building, nice landlord, $500 a month, awkward layout. I'm still looking, but it might be the one.

Bartending classes went really well all week, and I have an interview to work at Dougherty's, in downtown Tulare, on Tuesday. Just to get some 'behind the bar' experience and earn a little bit more moving money.

Went to the Creative Fresno blender last night at Silverdollar Hofbrau. I'm still awkward.

Going to Jag's comedy show tonight. It's at Tokyo Garden at 9:30pm, everyone should come on down.

Goal #34

Stop getting my hopes up.



p.s. anybody heard of any openings up in Fresno? I'm looking for a bartending job, or server/waitress, I ain't picky.

Vixen

I have recently been cast in the role of vixen that, although I find it amusing, is quite upsetting. When everyone was encouraging me to ask PizzaChef out, give him my number, etc. I heard one refrain 'If you hurt him, I will kill you'. Well, what about if he hurts me? For example, it has been a full 48 hours since I gave him my number and he hasn't called. In girl time, that means he's not interested, which makes me sad. Who's killing him for me? Nobody, that's who.

Halloween Weekend

I have had a really fun weekend so far, that mostly consisted of sitting around in a bar (Starline, almost exclusively) and solving the world's problems. Friday night Jag and Heather accompanied me to the Green Eggs at the Met opening night party. The exhibit was pretty cool, but the music was so loud it was hard to think, much less carry on any conversation or meet anyone. Part of my issue was the band that was playing when we got there, Yesterday's Chonies, I get where they are coming from, but their lead singer girl is Ah-nnoying. The crowd was such a strange mix and mash up of people, but mostly I was going into hipster overload. We retired to the Grill for drinks and chat and a little pizza, because although the Tower Dog that I had for dinner was delicious, it was not filling.

Saturday night needs to be told with pictures, but unfortunately I forgot to take my camera, and will have to rely on Heather to post the pictures to her facebook, so that I can steal them. Really though, I feel like I can not possibly do justice to the night in words. When I got into the Tower at about 8:30ish I went straight for the Grill, thinking that Jag or Heather would be there, they were not, but I got to admire two rather strange costumes, Renee (the bartender) dressed as a zombie alchemist (I think?) and Tim (one of the cooks?) as Jon, the guy in the Tower known for wearing slippers and beads. Since J and H were not there, I decided to walk down to Teasers and maybe try a different Tower Dog. Olive was a madhouse of people, a strange mix of parents with their children and drunken adult revelers, oh and the evangelists in front of Landmark. One mom in front of me looked at the evangelists and said 'What are they doing?' to which I replied 'We're the devil, Jesus hates that you've dressed up your daughter like a princess', she just laughed and went on. There was some kind of circus freak show act at the Tower Theatre, but judging by the inept writhing of the dancers out front, I'm glad I didn't waste my money. Walking back into the Grill, I heard 'Kristin!' coming from the back, it was Abagail (who has a beautiful voice btw) Katie and PizzaChef. I am officially Norm. J, H and Bruce were at Livingstone's having dinner, so I headed over, had some delicious veggie quesadilla, and suggested that we walk down Olive to enjoy the drunks and revelers. At this point we extracted my wings, which had been whacking people in the face all night, and H changed into different shoes, much more comfortable ones. We stopped in at Landmark (loud and crazy) and Veni's (marijuana, 'nough said) and then headed back to Starline. SM had on a disturbing Deputy Hillbilly costume on, I could barely look at him. But, most importantly, PizzaChef took my number and we will be going out sometime in the next week or so!

This week's schedule:

Bartending school Mon. - Thurs. 1pm to 5pm
Creative Fresno Blender Fri.
Jag's Comedy Show Sat.

Have a great week Loves!

A Book

Several months ago Jag gave me a brilliant little book to read called 'Goal: Your 30-Day Game Plan for Business and Career Success'. The hope was that I could apply the principles in the book to my date project, thereby showing that the book could be used for more than just achieving career and economic goals. For me there is only one problem, I'm not really sure what the goal of this project is.

Decision making is not my strong suit, or rather, I like to see what's going to happen and react accordingly, so trying to narrow this down to one achievable goal has been mind numbing. I'm not trying to get hitched, don't care if I score a boyfriend out of this, and really the whole point was to force me to get out of a rut. So, friends, help me out.

Once I've got an articulated achievable goal I will follow the steps in the book and see if it works, but how do you quantify 'I want to meet people' in to a goal that makes sense and is quantifiable?

33 things to do...

before I turn 34.

1. Finish the Date Project (obviously)
2. Start a business
3. visit Yosemite
4. make 100% of my Christmas presents
5. take Belly Dancing class
6. get into some therapy
7. dance with a stranger at Dicken's Faire
8. expell unnecessary objects from my life
9. Read 'War And Peace'
10. host an art salon
11. save four months worth of living expenses
12. See a show at Oregon Shakespeare Festival
13. form a habit of yoga each morning
14. Create a website for Circle N
15. take pictures in a photo booth
16. roast marshmallows and hot dogs at a campfire
17. visit another state
18. be involved in a political rally
19. host an 'art for your supper' dinner party
20. spend all day relaxing in bed with someone else
21. go a whole week eating only whole foods
22. Grow a plant from seed
23. Raise money for a charity
24. Self-portrait
25. visit Modjeska House in Orange County
26. watch the sunset at the beach
27. High Tea
28. Spend a weekend crafting with girlfriends
29. sit in an egg chair at the Sequoia National Park visitor's center
30. Learn to use everything on my Blackberry
31. Get back on a bike
32. taste 20 foods that I'm scared of
33. get the 'Naked Lady' statue appraised

These are the things that I am going to attempt to accomplish before next July. Wanna help?

Poetry at Revue

Cindy posted an event on facebook a couple of days ago that seemed like exactly the reason I want to move north, a poetry reading. Before you all start snoring, you should know that this was a really cool event in an amazing new venue. The main draw was a woman poet from Brighton, England, very funny and intense. Just listening to her accent made me want to walk around saying 'Brilliant' all night. The rest of the poets on the bill were locals, and so impressive, I just want to wrap them up and carry them around with me.

I have to say that the highlight of my night was getting to hang out with Cindy, Cynthia and Bruce. The fact that they were there was such a mind-easer for me, and meeting Cynthia was just awesome (what a cool lady!). Drinks after at Landmark and then a Shirley Temple nightcap at Starline, what a brilliant night. The more I get out on my own in Fresno, the more I know that I'm making the right decision to move.

In honor of the night of poetry I thought I'd share something I wrote a couple of years ago.

Yes, our lord and savior

When I was 19 I
was in love with Andy
Andy was in love with
Jesus
I didn't want three people
in the relationship
Neither did Andy

Soul Sucking

I am sure that everyone has a few things in their own life that seem like a soul sucking drain. For me these things are going out to dinner with my family and doing laundry.

Now, I love my family and enjoy spending time with them, however when you are in a group that consists of Mom, Dad, Grandma and relatively young woman, you have a giant flashing sign above your head that says 'Old Maid'. Being an old maid is not a big deal for me, if I didn't have to see people from my childhood every five feet. The look that they give you is the worst, along with the well-meaning 'Aren't you moving out of town any time soon?'

The laundry is just frustrating because my grandmother is always trying to instruct me on how to do it, as if I didn't spend months and months of my life doing laundry for PCPA and Tuacahn.

Vanity

I believe that we are all vain about something. It could be that you believe yourself to be the best at organization, a great writer, or something more frivolous like knowing how pretty your eyes are. Whatever your vanity is, I'm starting to believe it should be embraced.

I have two main vanities (is that a word?) and if a date doesn't comment on one of them, I am turned off. I can't help it, well I can, but they are important to me. First, I love my hair. I will obsessively brush and arrange it, take it down and redo it. I'm not great at using a curling iron, or styling products, but I always try to make sure that it's shiny and smells good. Really, though, even if my date were to say 'you look great tonight', that's enough. It doesn't have to be a specific comment about my hair, but any compliment tells me that he appreciates the hour or so that I spent to look presentable on our date. Second vanity, my voice. I'm a singer, and though I don't sing very often anymore, if a guy compliments my singing he's halfway home. It's a turn on to be noticed and appreciated for a talent that I spent almost ten years of my life on.

Here's my questions; What are you vain about? How do you determine a guy's vanity, and compliment it?

Let's Go Bowling

One Onstage week finished, one to go and I am officially unemployed. Well, from that job anyway. After a stressful week of trying to get everything done for TCOE, and keeping my Aunt from wanting to kill me, I felt like I deserved a party. Luckily S. Eric Day was having his birthday party at Starline last night, Let's Go Bowling was playing, and lots of people I knew were going to be there.

So last night, after unpacking the set from my car into the carport, I jumped into the shower, shaved my legs, combed my hairs, put my pink party dress on, and headed North. Jag, Heather and Young Josh showed up about 5 minutes after I got there, we had drinks, talked about the terrible opening act and then boogied to some Let's Go Bowling. LGB is a great band, by the way. There were a ton of people that I knew there; Cindy, Lisi, Chris, Nicki and it was awesome to see everyone. Although I have a really hard time hearing and following conversations when there is live music, so I tend to look vague, smile and nod. I spent most of the night chatting with Young Josh, who is charming, and being a crying shoulder for a friend whose recent ex decided to show up at the party. The ex is yucky, but that's another story that is not mine to tell.

One highlight, although miniscule in the grand scheme of the night, was when a guy came over, to where I was sitting, to chat me up. I sort of know him, he's one of the cooks at Starline (he makes the best pizza), but for the life of me I can not remember his name. Anybody? At any rate, he's adorable, and when I see him again maybe I'll get up the courage to ask him out. Maybe. He's single, right?

SM showed up right when I had to leave. I really wanted to hang with him, and would have stayed, but he encouraged me to get home. Good thing too, 8am came really fast this morning. I have a crush on him, which he knows about but is trying to discourage. I'm not really sure where I'm going with that, other than just putting it out there.

Loves

Just news

I have officially resigned from TCOE.

Sorry, I just had to let that first sentence sink in. Anywho, I will be doing the next school with Adrienne and hopefully training my replacement at the end of November, and then I am free. It was such a load off this afternoon talking to Brian. I just told him I was feeling especially crazy lately, and that I needed to not be working with kids. He was totally supportive, which I knew he would be, but I was still nervous about talking to him. Brian is one person that I don't want to disappoint, he has taken some big chances on me in the past and I so appreciate his faith in my abilities. He hired me straight out of COS to Stage Manage a production of Peter Pan. The craziest part of that is, I had never managed a moving set before.

Going to S. Eric Day's birthday party at Starline on Friday, hopefully there will be a few people that I know there, so I'm not a complete wreck. I need to think of it as a networking event for my personal brand. Maybe if I think of it in business terms I can get over myself enough to relax.

Loves

Serendipity

There were some news stories on NPR tonight, as I was driving up to Fresno, that inspired me so much. The thing is, I think if I had heard them even four days ago, I would have been listening with different ears. Does that make any sense? Roseanne Cash was talking about the legacy that her family left her, and about how she didn't appreciate it until her parents were gone. She has a new album out that is really cool in theory, I just don't like her voice. It's from a list of essential songs that her dad made for her when she was 18. The 100 American songs that she needed to know. What a cool idea. I have a hard time making lists of 5, let alone 100. In the spirit of this, here's a list: Five Songs That Shaped Me

1. Cool Change by Little River Band (dancing with my mom in the entryway of our house as a baby.)
2. Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper
3. Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue (this is mostly about hanging out with my cool cousin Faye)
4. She's Always A Woman by Billy Joel
5. In The Wee Small Hours, Frank Sinatra version

Anyway, back to my point. I think that we hear in a story what we need to hear at that moment. It's like reading a book, I've read Jane Eyre about 15 times, and every time I get something different out of it. Watching a movie is like that too. It's not about the story itself, but how we hear the story in that moment.

It's late so I'm not sure if that made any sense.

I am inspired...

to sing. 'I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds...'

So, my friends, for the past two weeks, I have burst into tears for no reason, snapped at people just because, and generally been horrible to myself and others. Had I known the location of a mental hospital yesterday, I would have committed myself. Enough is enough.

It occured to me, as I was making some decisions yesterday, mainly dealing with jobs, that I have been hiding behind my family for a few years. It is time to step up and become an adult, master of my own destiny, responsible to myself and my world.

Obviously I have been trying to delay adulthood. I can honestly say that I'm just not sure what being an adult means. I spent ten years in school avoiding the real world, and now about five years in Circle N land. Where do I start? Get a job - working on it. Get an apartment - working on it. Sit my family down and explain that doing this is for my mental well-being - putting that off until the last possible second.

As far as job hunting is concerned, I'm a little scared, because I have few workable skills. I'm great at Customer Service, I can type, all of my experience is in Retail or Theatre, what in the world am I suited for? I am going to the Bartender's School, since it's pretty cheap and quick, but the lack of experience scares me a bit. The good thing is I know what I don't want, and that is kids, or rather working with kids. Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean you should do it.

Alot of you, my friends, have questioned my decision about bartending. Here's the short of it; I have excellent customer service skills, a really good short-term memory recall for details, and (with the exception of this summer) my feathers don't get ruffled in stressful situations. Also, since I know that this blog is supposed to be about me dating, and it hasn't been for a couple of weeks, I'm hoping that being social for my job will help me develop some better communication skills in my life.

Right now I am picturing a few of you rolling your eyes at me.

Loves.

Finally

I've made a decision. I will be attending Bartender's School and then moving. The school helps with job placement, so I'll be making good use of that. It probably won't be an out of the valley move quite yet, but it will be a move none the less.

Now that the decision is made I feel a weight has been lifted off of me. I do still have gut twists about talking to my family, but that's already in motion.

Thank you everyone who has been encouraging, or pushy, or downright irritating about my life.

Hopefully I'll have more on the dating front soon, for now, it's sleepy time.

too something

it's always something...

I swear, the universe did not want me publishing what I just spent 40 minutes typing, because I accidentally hit the mouse pad and erased all but the first line. It was depressing drivel anyway.

I was just planning to say that, no matter what, I'm always too something for someone. Too old, too young, too fat, too naive, too complying, too composed, too willing, too shallow, too silly, too immature, too whatever. I can only be who I am, a 33 year old with no significant relationships in my past, attracted to older men who are unavailable to me, and maybe a little selfish since I've only had to think of myself, or family, for the last 33 years of my life. I'd like to have someone significant in my life, soon. I'm not gonna lie, friends, I want to have a relationship, bad. I want the person to come home to, the cuddles in bed, morning make-outs and I'm jealous of my friends tht have this. All of you in relationships right now, I hope you know how lucky you are.

That's all.

Online Dating

Or rather, online meeting, is so full of strange nuances. Tonight I clicked through several profiles on plenty of fish and Chemistry and realized that I automatically bypassed anybody that made glaring grammatical errors. If you are an educated man over the age of 30 I don't think that you should still be confusing 'their' with 'they're'. And yet I make similar mistakes all of the time, but in a profile for a dating site, to me, it shows a lack of focus. All you have to do is go back and edit. A recent column on UntilIGetMarried.com was all about unreasonable turn-offs and I could totally relate, however Jozen, the author, was turned off by a woman who drank root beer. It's weird, but they aren't called unreasonable for nothing. Here's my list:

1. A man wearing a suit that does not fit.
2. A date telling me about his boring ass office job and then condescending to listen to my "little artsy thing"
3. Earrings. If his are more elaborate than mine, we have a problem.
4. A guy that does not know how to hold an eating utensil properly.
5. Dirty teeth, gross, if his teeth aren't clean, just imagine what's going on in his pants.

Now that I left you with a pleasant mental image, have a stunning week everyone.

Loves

Wanna stop...

but I won't. Feeling really shitty about my excursion to Re:FUSE last night.


Actually, 40 Watt Hype is a great band, and I would love to go if they were playing at a club somewhere.


I was making myself go alone so that I might have a chance of talking to someone, approaching a stranger and striking up a conversation. I just ended up feeling like the weird girl who was there by herself. Some quotes from my note taking, I warn you they are maudlin:


"If I go back to the status quo of what I did before I started this, what would be so bad? 33, single, living with family, friends that love me..."


"At least when I wasn't going out, I didn't feel bad about myself in this way."


"What if it's really just me? What if e-Harmony is right and I am among the 20% of people who can not be matched?"


"What if you try your hardest and still nobody wants you?"


Went to youtube and found a happy song video that sums up how I feel today.

Random Thoughts

I started the evening in these:
They felt a little like this:

So, in the end, I dug these out of my car:

I ended up going completely for comfort tonight, didn't even wear the purple top, which would have required a foundation garment I was uninterested in putting on.

Random thought #1:

Were there ever any episodes of Three's Company where they dealt with the two women sharing a bedroom? Did they hang a sock on the door when they had a man friend over? Was it first one home gets the bedroom? That's a whole episode, the girls trying to beat each other home, and their dates wondering why they need to cut the dinner short and get straight to the sex. Not that they'd be complaining.

Random Thought #2:

If you've never seen 'Wet, Hot American Summer' then you should.

Random Thought #3:

It weirds me out a little (unnerves, really) when a guy has pictures of his parents in his bedroom. I once had a one night stand and the guy had a pic of his mom on the nightstand. I felt like she was judging me the whole time, and couldn't relax.

Random Thought #4:

I have a print of 'Rainy Day, Paris' by Caillebotte (sp?) hanging on my wall, and no matter what I do, it will not hang straight.

Random Thought #5: the last, I promise

I met two cool ladies tonight, Airplane Jayne and Ailene Imperatrice (sp?). Both brilliant, by the way. Still getting freaked at introducing myself to men. Maybe next time, but I am going, alone, to Re:FUSE tomorrow night. I just need to remind myself of the mantra Nicole gave me 'My name is Kristin Crase and I can do anything'.

Big Thanks to HP and Jag for accompanying me.

October Blender

Tomorrow night I'm headed north to attend the October Blender for Creative Fresno. I'm meeting up with friends, but my challenge will be to talk to new people, folks I've never met, and not just women. I'm ashamed to say that is what I did at the last Blender, and she spoke to me.

Listening to Mamma Mia to get into the mood. So I'm putting my outfit together also, wanna help? Here's the top I'll be wearing, though maybe not this belt:


I'm going to pair this with straight leg jeans, nothing too fussy, but which shoes?

The little booties make me purr, but the last time I wore them I wanted to rip my feet off. I also really love the t-straps, but maybe not with jeans. I've never worn the pointy toe kitten heels, so I've got no feel for comfort, but they are pretty cute. Should I scrap them all and go for strappy sandals?

Not much to report today, although I will be attending Creative Fresno's Blender on Friday and the kick-off concert for Re:FUSE at Full Circle Brewery. Full Circle is a cool venue and the concert is only $5, so come on out, I could use all of the wingmen I can get. You should also plan on attending Re:FUSE if you are up in Fresno, it's like $15 for 40 bands, or something like that. I'll be up there Saturday Night, not sure which bands I'm going to catch though.

On an unrelated note, I am reminded again and again of a line from Richard III, 'I am strong-framed'. I currently work in a pretty male-dominated field where physical strength is a job requirement. Today, yesterday, and so many times before I have been told that I can't or shouldn't do something because it's heavy, or I'll hurt myself, or 'let the men handle it'. I have to laugh when Aunt Karen and I accomplish something, like moving a stack of 50 pound feedbags or loading 7 125 pound supplement tubs (which I just did, with no other help than the customer with the broken ribs, esh!) and a man is stunned into silence. I want to roar at the top of my lungs 'I am strong-framed'!

P.S. - Just for fun I thought I'd post a pic of me from right before my 16th birthday! That's my farewell night as Honored Queen for Job's Daughters.

Girlfriends

So I hung out with my girls in Visalia tonight. Adi and I had to get our music cut for Alice and, since Nic is the music cutting genius, we invaded her home and chained her to the desk until she was done cutting our tracks. I just love hanging with these two girls because I can pretty much tell them anything, and I do mean anything, and they have no judgement. Most of the time they answer with an outlandish question of their own. (phone sex, real or just a way to remind your man that he misses you? Discuss.)

These past couple of months have been ripping me in two directions, actually, because I really want to be up in Fresno where the theatre is, and the fun new people that I have met. I have to remain in V-Town at least through this school year, because I am obligated to finish this project that I started with TCOE, but I really want to be elsewhere. I know that my family assumes that I will remain here for a long time, but I'm ready to move on. This project has been more effective in Fresno, but it's hard for me to be up there when I don't have a specific reason to drive north. And lastly, my best friend is here in Visalia, I adore her, and I know that, because I have been in Fresno so much, we have been a little disconnected.

Finally, I am unqualified for all jobs. My AA is in Technical Theatre, my Certificate is in Theatre Performance, and all non-theatre jobs that I have held have been retail. Anybody hiring in Fresno? I'm a hard worker.

BTW, have you ever thought back on an encounter and had the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. That is me right now.

The Winner!!!

Is comment #5, Alissa! Thanks everyone for participating, it's nice to know that I actually do have some readers. Alissa, I'll be contacting you and getting you your fabu prize in the next few days.

I am sorry, friends, that I have been such an abject failure at this experiment. I have been meeting all kinds of people, just not anybody that I can date. Plus, I've been hanging all over SM the last couple of weeks, who, I think, does not like me as much as I like him. He puts up with me very sweetly though, even when I am a complete goose.

This has got me thinking about a Life List, you know, a Bucket List. I'm working on one right now, and maybe all together we can cross them off. Although #1 is to be Financially Independent, that may have to wait a little while. I'll post it as soon as I am done.

Loves to all!

I can not believe it, but this is my 40th post! In celebration, I will be doing a give-a-way. Very popular amongst the bloggers, so I am told. The prize, courtesy of this fabulous fashionista:

is a Date Night In Super Fun Pack, filled with all of my favorite things to cuddle on the couch with. All you need to do is comment, and yes my comments are now open to anybody whether you are a blogger or not, and tell me the best DVD for a 'curl on the couch with your sweetie' night. The winner will be chosen randomly by asking Aunt Karen to pick a number between 1 and ...

Loves

NCTO's

Westmont had a tradition called a NCTO (nic-toe), a Non-Committal Take Out, which I always thought was brilliant. The idea was that an organizer, usually the resident assistant, would arrange a group outing, like bowling or a trip to the zoo, and then you set your roommate up with someone you thought they would like. It was pretty low pressure, since there would be a ton of folks there, if you didn't really like your date there was always someone else to talk to. Plus, you could really tell which roommates did not like each other.

One of my favorite NCTO dates was Andrew (Fuzzy). Fuzz and I got hooked up alot, and he was one of the nicest men I have ever known. I think people put us together because we were both awkward, and never was that more apparent than Ballroom Dancing. I have danced, so I thought 'no problem'. Fuzz, on the other hand, was about as coordinated as a broken leg trying to paint with it's toes. The instructor was an ancient Japanese man that taught Judo during the day and dance at night. He walked around the room with a Shinai, a bamboo cane, wacking people in the back telling them to 'stand up straight', 'don't look at your feet', you're too close together', 'you are too far apart', and 'Kristin stop leading'. The funny thing was that we kept going back for this torture, it was so much fun. Inevitably, the assistants would come over and break us up, Fuzz would end up dancing with the beautiful pro dancer, and I would be in the arms of a guy that didn't let me lead, a glorious feeling. There was no chance that Fuzzy and I were going to date, he felt like my brother, but it was so fun to hang with him and laugh at ourselves. That was the point of these NCTO's after all.

As we made it into our Sophomore year these take outs got more intense. We, as women, were at school to find our husbands, after all. The pressure to look cute, hang on his every word, and find 'The One' was so high that eventually I found other things I had to do on those nights when a NCTO was scheduled. I was 19, I didn't want a husband. Mostly, though, I didn't want the whole school watching as I bungled my way through yet another awkward date.

The year after I left Westmont I went to visit some of my friends there. I was so excited to see Fuzzy, but his then girlfriend, now wife, was not happy to see me. She insisted that I not refer to her future husband as 'fuzzy', his name was Andrew. How sad I thought it was that this funny guy, creative and silly, was going to end up married to such a prig. It scared the shit out of me. How do you avoid this?

In other news, our well is broken, so I haven't showered today. Anybody got a shower I can use? Wanna share it with me? ;)




This picture is the new jewelry display I did for my store today.

Coming on Strong - Volume 2

Sorry if my last post was jarring for some, but really what I'm saying is that our world does not encourage women to be open about sexuality, or what they are honestly feeling. Does it scare a man when a woman is honest? I am definitely the last person that could answer that.

Back on task, a few years ago my very loving best friend decided to set me up with someone that she felt was my perfect match. Since our interests matched up pretty well, we had a couple of mutual friends, and he was single, it seemed as if all might work out exactly as she planned. Except for one minor detail, he was not into me. I actually really liked him (I'll called him Werewolf). He made me laugh, we had similar political beliefs, he made fun of my spiritual beliefs, but I can laugh at myself, obviously. I came out swinging here, asking him out, and when he hedged, I baited him with 'come on, what could one lunch hurt?' A lot actually, when he forgets about the lunch and goes to get a haircut, thereby leaving me in front of his house wondering what awful things could have happened. Now, werewolf and I are still friends, this was a long time ago, and actually I had forgotten about our first 'date' until I started thinking about this post, but my point is this, I asked him out again. Why? Like most women, I am a glutton for punishment. We hung out several times, friends style, with me thinking that it might develop into more, that eventually he would see how great I am and fall all over himself for me. He didn't. He won't. But I will remember how great I am for the next guy, and maybe next time he will.

Adult Content - Over-sharing

As a 33 year old single woman, it is hard to maintain acceptable standards of dating behavior. Why do I bring this up? I'm horny. I know that's an over-share, but you should stop reading this blog right now if you are afraid of the over-shares.

I'm pretty much up for it three weeks out of every month, sometimes all four. I'm afraid that my honesty puts some people off. Frankly, if I'm not honest I get written off as just that cute, sweet girly girl with no needs.

Sorry my friends, I have no intelligent thing to add, just that it sucks to be single, with no recourse.

Coming on strong - Volume 1

Coming on too strong has always back-fired on me in the past, but I can not help it, it's in my nature. I 'throw all of my eggs into one basket' and pursue the hell out of whatever it is. The irony is not lost on me, I am afraid to approach a stranger I'm interested in, but as soon as I am comfortable, all bets are off, I have tunnel vision on my target. Although, that sounds way more predatory than it is meant.

The first time this instinct kicked in I was a freshman at Westmont. My girlfriends and I were having lunch when Superman sat down at our table and started asking questions. To clarify, Superman was Sam, and Sam looked like a young Christopher Reeve. He asked us some inane question and I retorted by asking him if he was in the habit of hitting on lower-classmen in the DC (dining commons). Apparently Sam thought I was funny and turned his considerable charm directly on me. We chatted for about an hour, in fact I think I skipped a class in order to keep talking to him. With the encouragement (i.e. egging on) of my friends, I got up the guts to call and ask him out, a milkshake at the snack bar (no drinks, this was at Christian College). At that, our first date, Sam told me that he thought aggresive behavior, like asking for a date, was unbecoming in a woman, to which I responded "then why did you agree to go out with me?" That question got me a second date.

Sam and I spent alot of time together for several weeks. We would eat lunch together, study together (even though he was a Senior and taking way harder classes than me), and sat at Vespers together, which was huge there. One day I called Sam and asked if I could get him to take me into town, since as a freshman I didn't have a car, I told him I would buy him dinner if he would take me shopping. Here is, apparently, where I miscommunicated. He agreed, but when we got into town and I asked if he wanted to shop first or eat first, he got angry and accused me of using him for his car. At a stop light in downtown Santa Barbara, he leaned over me and opened my passenger door, indicated that I should get out, and then left me there on the street corner, very confused. Later, after I made the most of my shopping trip, and had a grand time by myself, I tried to talk to Sam, but he made it clear that he was uninterested in resolving the issue. I avoided him like the plague, since I knew his schedule well, that wasn't very hard. During finals week that semester, Sam tried to sit with me a couple of times in the DC, but I just got up and left the table, no matter where I was in the course of my meal. I'll always be confused by this chain of events, but pursuing him so aggressively has always weighed on my mind.

Next time I tell you about my next bout with aggressiveness, but for now a picture of the set I've been painting on.

Do Lesbians count?

Tonight I met a gaggle of hilarious and beautiful lesbians. Five to be exact. All brilliant, all gorgeous. Reel Pride's feature tonight was "And Then Came Lola", a really good lesbian rom-com, and after the star Ashleigh Sumner and a few of the other cast members were at the after party at the Starline. I had one drink, listened to three songs by Saucy Monkey, apparently a famous band (who knew, the lesbians, that's who) and then had to get out of the crowd. I went to the grill next door for pizza and a few quiet minutes with SM, but eventually the lesbians invaded our table. Luckily SM knew them and invited them to sit with us. I had intended to leave, but ended up staying another hour because I was having so much fun with them. Lesbians - fond of American Musical Theatre - again, who knew?

Childish

This is my childish side folks. Occasionally I get gussied up and go out, I shave, trim, pluck, lotion and curl. I put on cute underwear, pretty shoes and my favorite pair of earrings, perhaps even a spritz of perfume (though generally not because my skin just absorbs it). Sometimes on these nights, through no fault of my own, or whomever I happen to be with, the night is a bit frustrating. On these nights I want to stamp my foot like a child and howl. Why can't it work out exactly like I see it in my head? Ugh. You have to imagine me throwing myself on the ground and throwing a temper tantrum, complete with flailing limbs. I believe that frustration accounts for all bitchiness in me.

Honesty

No reason to add this photo, I just think it's funny.

A major obstacle in my dating has always been my ability to be honest with myself. I am, at times, brutally honest with myself. i.e. - I thought I looked hot one night, but look back at pictures and realize I was just a hot mess. Once sex, or the thought of sex, enters the ring, I turn into a tongue-tied imbecile who can not form a complete sentence. I thinking I'm flirting, but end up with the guy looking around for someone more coherent to talk to. Still, I have moments where I am dishonest, blind spots.

So, right now, I am in a pickle. I am hanging out with a guy I like a lot, but romantically? Not sure. His main appeal, beside the fact that he makes me laugh, is that he tells me I'm pretty with much frequency. But that's the thing, that isn't his main appeal, it's just the thing I think about when people say 'you're hanging out with Him again?'. I can not relax about this, it is not in my nature. I realize that there is no such thing as altruism, and that relationships, whether romantic or friendly, are full of self-gratification, reasons to be involved with a person merely to advance yourself in some way, but I don't want to be User.

Here is where I get honest with myself. I have hung out with this person 4, maybe 5 times, it is obviously not anything more than friendship at the moment, I will relax and see what happens.

Reel Pride

Went to the Reel Pride Film Festival Opening Night film and parties. It's weird, I'm a social person, but I get so freaked in a room full of people that I don't know. Stephen had to be working for so much of the night that I hardly got to spend any time with him (it's his job, so, please, he did not need to entertain me), but he's really the reason I went up there. Oh, well.

I did introduce myself to two people, who probably thought I was crazy, I had no idea who they were, since they were one of the founders of Reel Pride - Pete Robinson, and one of the most important people in the equality movement in California - Robin Mcgeehee (sp?).

The film, however, was oustanding. It's called Outrage, you should all see it.

New Rules

So I'm sitting here with two very fine gentlemen at the Starline and discussing the way in which the rules of the 52 dates project need to change.

Update: Actually I am now home, the guys managed to distract me enough that I couldn't concentrate on writing.

So here it is:
1. I must go to at least one social event every week with the specific intention of meeting new people.
2. I must ask a guy out if I am interested, without using this blog as a way to get into the conversation.
3. I must not let my dates know about this project until after our date, so that he doesn't feel (as Jag so aptly put it) like he is on a game show.

The problem at this point is not a lack of dates, but rather that I have been using this site as another shield. In order to be honest here, I need to be honest with myself and face up to those fears.

Goals

Aunt Karen says that my business cards look like I'm trying to solicit business, I told her that I was soliciting, she looked at me funny and walked away. I am setting a goal for the weekend, I have about twenty cards made up right now, and I intend to hand them all out by the end of the weekend. Hopefully I will also schedule some dates in the process.

So these are the goals:

1. Hand out twenty cards to strangers.
2. Give a shit what I look like at least through Saturday night.
3. Book at least one date by Sunday.

If you know any single guys, please let me know. Direct them to this site, give them my number, tell them I'm a sure thing (wait, don't do that last one), let them know what a fun and fascinating person I am, LIE!

Loves to all!

Taking matters into my own hands.

This has been quite a week, but unfortunately no date. I've been thinking all week of perceptions, how others see me, as opposed to how I see myself. So many times in the last few weeks I have been called brave, but I have to tell you that I'm really motivated by fear.

Fear that I won't finish this silly project, like so many things I've started before. Fear that a movie of my life would be one scene, of me sitting by myself in a movie theatre. Fear that I will wake up ten years from now in this same bed from which I am writing, in the same room, in the same house, on the same property where I have lived 90% of my life.

I was reminded this week that I am occasionally percieved as a push-over, dumb even. A nineteen year old boy made me feel like an idiot, just by taking my authority away in the most underhanded fashion. He percieved me in a way that was so against the vision I have of myself.

To prove to myself again that I am worthy of regard I decided to take matters into my own hands. This morning I sent e-mails to a few of the gentleman (those I was pretty sure were single) in my facebook friends list, inviting them on a date. I've had one response so far, but unfortunately he's not single - my bad. I have cards now and intend to have them on hand wherever I go. Hopefully next week when I go through the Starbucks drive-thru, the cutie in the window, that has been chatting me up the last couple of times, will be there again.

Much Love!

In The Mood

Do you ever go through a funky time where you just don't want to be around people? Especially people you don't know? I'm in the funk. The idea of meeting a new person and having to get past all of my issues, setting boundaries, the job interview-like interaction, ugh! It's just another piece of work.

Many years ago, when I was in Job's Daughters, I think I may have been either a princess or Honored Queen at the time, I told my mother that we couldn't possibly go to a function because there was no way I could make it to the end without insulting someone. I was tired of smiling and making small talk, admiring some old Eastern Star lady's gaudy dress, or listening to some long-winded speech about whomever was being honored. I had to go, and I managed to get by saying that I wasn't feeling well. This is what I am really good at, small talk, listening without the appearance of glazing over, the leaning forward listening that so many people want to see when they are talking, but it's a painful act sometimes. Ugh!, I'm even sick of my own mopiness!

I made business cards today and they are so beautifully simple, I can not wait to start handing them out. Let's plan to go somewhere fun Thursday after the show. Who's with me?

No Date

I have not yet managed to secure a date for this week and I'm starting to go into panic mode. This may be the first week where I have to face my fears and actually ask a guy out. For real. Just thinking about it makes me start hyperventilating. My heart is racing, blood is pumping. Just from the mention of this thing.

OK, a few deep breaths, better.

I was awkward, at best, in high school. Junior year I was on the prom comittee and was supposed to try to be at the prom, but no one asked me. I thought I would take matters into my own hands, by asking a lovely boy named Bobby. I had a little crush on Bobby, but nothing that made me a tongue-tied mess around him or anything. So one day I decided to just go up and ask, 'Hey Bobby, would you like to go to prom with me?' 'No'.... That's it. Just NO with no explanation, no 'hey I'm broke and don't want to spend the money,' nothing. The most painful part, though, actually, was setting up the decorations that afternoon, and then going home. Ouch, I think that still might hurt a little.

The Penny Date w/ Stephen

Going out with creative types is always a good time, but when a creative type is fully engaged in entertaining you, it can be overwhelming. Stephen has been talking up the 'Penny Date' for a couple of weeks now and it was completely unexpected.

So we met up last night in front of Starline. When I got into his car, his first question was 'So, what do you want to do'. I was confused, and since I am gullible, I bought his act hook, line and sinker. He waited me out a couple of minutes, while my sluggish brain caught on to the fact that he was teasing, and then presented me with an Altoids tin. The tin was full of pennies. He then presented what appeared to be a menu from a fancy restaurant, however all of the selections were options of what we could do on the date, with amounts for how much each activity would cost me. For example, the first thing I chose on the menu was a tea from Teazers (go by there, that place is great), which cost me 3 cents. I wish my scanner worked right now so that I could show you, but alas, you will have to imagine it.

We had great conversation the whole date, but at this point Stephen reminded me that we needed to get going, so I needed to pick the next thing on the menu. We took a drive up into the mountains, to a pretty look out spot on the road to Kings Canyon. The look out was a great spot with a perfect view of Fresno as little tiny points of light. It was also in a dark enough spot that the stars were super bright. Since I was so comfortable in Stephen's presence, we held hands and cuddled alot up there while we talked.

My next choice was dinner and a movie, but it was getting to be about 10pm on a Sunday, so all of the restaurants were closed. We went through the In N Out drive thru and headed over to the Riverpark movie theatre to see (500) days of Summer. The movie was really good, although the couple in front of us engaging in sexual activities (she was giving him the quietest blow job ever!) was very distracting.

We ended the date with drinks and chats at Starline, and a little kiss at my car before I drove home. I have very little experience with kissing, and I'm not great at it because of this, but it was a lovely and silly way to end the evening. Stephen says that it's not a real date if there isn't the possibility of smooches, so there were smooches.

Stephen is a cool guy and a lot of fun to hang with, so all of you that warned me about him were silly worry warts.

A Double Standard

My double standard - I can do anything, don't treat me like a silly little girl, oh by the way big strong capable man, can you fix that light bulb for me please?

I do it, I'll admit it. I am a strong intelligent woman, I get irritated when a man implies that because I'm a woman I can't accomplish something, or I am incapable of understanding the complexities of the wiring. I can weld, for god's sake. I've swung a hammer, hung a light fixture, and figured out the unintelligible instructions from a product made in China. Just because I ask a man to do something doesn't mean I can not do it myself, usually it means I don't feel like figuring it out, or spending my time on it.

That being said, I have been known to bat my eyelashes and praise the general worthiness of a man in order to get what I want.

I had a frustrating weekend in this way.

The Penny Date

I will be going out with Stephen tomorrow night and he keeps teasing me by calling it "The Penny Date". But what is the penny date? My money is on a scavenger hunt. What say you? Comment and try to guess, the commenter who is closest will win a prize.

Have you ever?

Have you ever done something completely hurtful without realizing how bad it really is? I have put a new friend in an awkward position and my stupidity is no good excuse.

My friend Jag, whom I respect and adore, was such a good sport to go out with me the other night, but in blogging about my own idiocy I have left the impression that he was untoward. At no point that night did I ever feel like I was in danger of unwanted advances from him, he was a perfect gentleman, and sweeter to me than I deserve.

In eighth grade I had a crush on Les, he was a dreamboat and really into me, or so I thought. I am, as many of you may know, a late bloomer, so at this point in my life I had still not had a first kiss. Les and I were in choir together, and when the choir went up to SCICON for a fund-raiser, we sat with each other on the bus ride up. After our performance, Les asked me to take one of the hikes with him. We had been given a couple of hours to hang out around the campground and it seemed like everything, that my 13 year old brain could come up with, was going to happen. In fact, as we took the trail, with another couple, they fell away and it was just the two of us, holding hands and walking. Idyllic really. At a certain point in the trail we came up on a bridge over a small creek, our stopping point, and a pretty romantic spot. Not bad for a 13 yr. old lothario. We were talking, and at one point Les leaned over and kissed me, just a small peck on the lips. I was slightly dazed. We kept talking, and he once more tried to kiss me, but I put my hand on his chest and said 'Wait'. He seemed nonplussed. 'For what?' I just needed a minute to gather my thoughts, but he was gone. He took off back up the trail, and left me there, wondering what I had done to make him mad. I was late getting back to the bus, since I had not been paying much attention to the trail on the way down, I got lost two or three times finding my way back. When I got on the bus Les was already in the very back, cuddling with Wendy. The funny thing is, if he had just waited a few more minutes, up there on that bridge, let me gather my thoughts, I would have let him kiss me.

How does this story relate? I'm not sure, other than to tell you, I'm damaged. Life seems to want to go so fast, and sometimes I just need a moment to deal. Unfortunately, when I let life speed take over, I mess up.

Let's try this again

Friday night, after our performance, Jag and I met up at Livingstone's in the Tower District. After the intensity of the performance, Jag got us a small table in a darkish corner, a cool and relaxing way to spend the rest of the evening. Although Jag claims that he enjoys making people uncomfortable, he did everything possible to make me comfortable, to keep the conversation flowing and make sure that I was at ease.

So, as dinner is served, he decides that we are going to play a little game of Truth wherein we each get to ask a question and the other person must answer truthfully. Of course, there is an escape clause, you may choose not to answer. Now you might say that this is a surefire way to make someone uncomfortable, but we're both actors, we love talking about ourselves. The questions ranged from silly to squirm-worthy, and I only declined to answer one question. I've slept three times since then, so I do not remember the question, sorry. We laughed alot, especially when I told Jag that one word I would use to describe him was Crazy.

Alright, here's where I get awkward and weird. We closed the bar, actually got asked to leave, because they wanted to clean up and go home. We were in the middle of a train of thought, so when Jag turned towards home, in the opposite direction of my car, I went along with him. It was 2am, I should have said thank you very much, gotten in my car and driven home, but I was having a good time, I wanted to continue chatting. He invited me back to his place for a drink and I said sure, but then, of course, my overactive crazy took over and I started obsessing. Why did he invite me back to his place? Was he expecting something from me? Was that what I wanted? What am I doing? As soon as I retreated into my brain the conversation went south and instead of saying 'hey it's late, I should actually head home', I continued to his apartment. Have I mentioned that I have very little experience in this area. I'm quite sure that my heart was at a hummingbird's speed. Once we were there I felt awkward about being there, and pretty quickly decided it was time to call it a night. He walked me back to my car and I avoided all physical contact. Have I mentioned I'm no good at this? Should I have hugged him? Kiss on the cheek? It felt unfinished.

Wineguy's Response

Before I try to re-write, in a more coherent fashion, my thoughts on my date with Jag, I just want to let you all know what Wineguy had to say. I was a bad girl and did not tell him that he was a part of this little project, but I did e-mail him back and ask for honest feedback. His response was much the same as mine, he thought I was a nice girl that he had no chance of a romantic attachment with. That's all. XO

Date with Jag

Jag Bennett is a really smart guy. I think he may have gotten bored with me last night when we went out after the show. We met up at Livingstone's, in the Tower, for an after show meal. Just so you know Gabi, I had the veggie quesidilla and it was delicious. We, of course, spent the first part of the meal rehashing last night's show, talking about the generator issues (it still makes me want to sit down and cry), and various shows that we have been involved with in the past.

On this date I was reminded that I don't read people's signals very well, nor do I know what signals I am sending out. Jag and I are already friends so I was not in the state of consumed panic that usually takes over when I go out with someone new, but that also means my antenna were not attuned to the minute details of reactions.

I just read the previous sentence and it made no sense to me. Let me try that again.

Jag has a good heart, so I'm not sure if he was humoring me, or having a good time as well.

Unfortunately, because we went out after a show, I was not tarted up, so no pictures of cute outfits or fabu hair.

Sorry I'm so scattered today.

Perhaps Jag can shed more light on this date than me.

Wineguy Date

Here's what I wore for my date last night with Wineguy.

I was feeling cute, let me tell you, but no compliments! boo. So, unfortunately for him, that was one strike against him.

We met in front of the Borders at Riverpark and from there got Gyros to go at that splendid place by the movie theatre. We took the food, and the case of wine that he brought, out to Woodward Park and had a picnic wine tasting. As dates go, I'd say that's pretty hard to top. He's very knowledgable about wine, but wasn't a snob when I had no clue what he was talking about. I'm terrible at wine, give me a box of something sweet and a glass with ice in it anyday. Although it was really the ideal setting, very romantic, it just wasn't going to start any fires. Wineguy is really nice, although maybe a little too full of his own intelligence, but there was definitely no spark. I will have to keep him in mind for a friend, because he really is a nice guy. Though 5'10", please, more like 5'8".

One thing I did try to do, that was really helpful, at least in my brain, was adopt a line from Sufism. The people that you meet are the ends, not the means. I really tried to just be there, in that moment. It completely eliminated my nerves.

Then again, it probably won't work next time.

Oh well, I got a case of half drunk wines out of it!

Who Pays?

Last night I met Stephen, a follower of my blog and a future date, isn't that exciting. I also had a man come into the restroom and look over the stall wall while I was occupying it. Those things are completely unrelated, I assure you, however it does illustrate the contradictions that are the Tower District in Fresno. On the one hand I met a very funny guy and had a great conversation, the fact that he was totally complimentary may have swayed me in his favor. On the other hand, the jerks. If only we could corral the jerks into one bar in one city.

Stephen (BTW, I hope I'm spelling your name right) did give me a tutorial in dating money etiquette. His theory, that I should act like I'm going to pay, offer to pay even, and hold out for the guy to pick up the tab. Seems a little suspect in my situation since I'm the one asking for the date. It has always been my feeling that the person doing the asking pays for the date, but I've heard from some men who tell me that it is emmasculating (sp?) to let the woman pay. What do you think?

My date with wineguy is Saturday and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I should put together a picnic and ask him to bring a bottle of wine. We'll see.

xo,
K

G-O-O-O-o-o-a-a-l-l-l!!!!!!!!!!

This weeks activities have nearly all revolved around Jag Bennett (sp?). And not only because I am full time in Richard rehearsals. Friday night Jag, Heather and I convened at Starline Grill for drinks after rehearsal (that may become a recurring theme here). We had some great conversation, but of course, eventually, it turned around to this silly quest I've put myself on. Jag had many insightful things to say about dating, but byfar my favorite was this; that dating is the act of a man jumping obstacles, whilst simutaneously the woman is lowering obstacles.

I just want to sit with that visual for a minute.

shhh......just think about it.

I'm questioning my sanity a little bit, but that visual is coming back to me a lot. The problem for me, as always, is that I see that I throw up obstacles, I just don't know how to tear them down. Whoever said that acknowledging the problem was half the battle never met me.

So this weekend is a full one. Friday night, before rehearsal, I'm going to try to get to Creative Fresno's monthly Blender. Hopefully Heather will accompany me. (really I'm begging you!) Then on Saturday I have a re-try date with Wineguy, whom I had to cancel on last Saturday. Fingers-crossed that he's not a freak!

Learning on the go

You know that part where I am supposed to be all truthful and stuff on here? Well, I'm having a hard time with that. Mostly because real people's feelings are involved, real people who read these posts and might be offended by what I have to say. Real people that I allowed to become my facebook friends, which I now realize was a mistake. Learning as I go here people.

So we've already determined that I am a big chicken, scared to approach a stranger in a bar, or the guy that comes into my store on a semi-regular basis. I'd like to address these topics right now.

Topic number one, I recently started chatting with a nice guy in Fresno, I'll call him JT. I met JT on plenty of fish, a dating website with no illusions of grandeur. JT seemed like a pretty cool guy, but you should know that we exchanged maybe only four emails total before he found me on facebook and I accepted his friend request. We already had a few mutual friends. So last week when I went to the Bartender's Challenge, JT decided to show up. And it was awkward. Sorry dude, but it was. Our attempts to include JT in the conversation were stilted at best, he didn't have much to contribute, and sort of stared at Lisi, Chris and I as if we needed to entertain him. Well that's what it felt like anyway. I'm sure that he could tell you another side of this, so JT if you are reading this please comment back. Needless to say, no chemistry, and I will not be pursuing anything further with him.

Side note: I actually got cussed via email by a guy on POF, for not responding to his email in what he thought was a timely manner. Definitely not going to respond now, WTF?

Topic number two, my chicken instincts are kicking in as I write this for fear that the next man I mention will read this and tease me mercilessly about it. HB is a guy that I see in my store on a pretty regular basis, and I've been crushing on him since I was about fifteen. He's good looking, funny, easy to talk to and we are so polar opposites that we could fill up Sears Tower with all of the levels that we are incompatible. Alas, I still get a silly girl rush when I see him pull in the driveway. I have been saying for about a year that I was going to get up the courage to ask HB out, still hasn't happened, partially because, if he says no, I still have to see him regularly. That whole carpe diem thing does not work for me.

So a new rule for this site, don't accept the friend requests of people you don't know. And Kristin - grow a set!

Bartender's Challenge

I am a chicken!

Lisi was kind enough to join me tonight at Creative Fresno's Bartender's Challenge, which was a god send because otherwise I may not have made it through the door. Though I felt good in my choice of outfit, and was feeling pretty hot, I didn't know anybody and felt awkward introducing myself. Most of the people seemed to know each other, and well, as I've already stated, I'm a chicken! One very nice guy, Albert, introduced himself and suggested that I come to the Blender next Fri. night, which I will try to get to. This didn't seem conducive to mingling even had I been better equiped. The music was loud, the place was dark.
Excuses, excuses. I'm lame!

Thanks for the support Lisi! (and Heather, who came over to Million Elephant after her rehearsal.)

Shoes

The Black and White dress has won out. I haven't worn it in a while, so I'm glad, but now on the shoes and earrings. Well, really just shoes, because I am wearing these earrings. Sorry the picture is blurry.

Lisi suggested red shoes and I remembered that I had these fabulous goodies in the closet. Possibly the most comfortable heels I own, but I'm not sure about the style.

I've never worn these, because of the uncomfortable factor, but just looking at them makes me purr. Oh, how I love shoes.

These are the shoes I would normally wear with this dress. ????

I think it's pretty obvious that it's between the top two pairs. What do you think?

My friends, as you know, I will be attending Creative Fresno's Bartender's Challenge this Tuesday night and now is the time to choose an outfit. I'll probably drag this into two posts, just so you know! First things first - the dress. Please let know your favorite, the dress with the most votes will be the one I wear.

This black and white is super flattering, with lots of sparkle, but keep in mind that all shoes I have for this dress are uncomfortable. But Hot!


This is the dress I wore for my plantation excursions with Brooke and Nicole. I have a matching hat, but don't worry I won't wear it. It's really pretty on, very Daisy from Great Gatsby.

I've never gotten a chance to wear this brown linen shift. It's pretty flattering even with the Bam-Bam trim.

And last, but not least, the old standby. This pink dress makes me feel like a hot tamale, but I've worn it a lot lately.

This is me today, trying to care what I look like, but failing.

Much love!