Friday, August 28, 2009

No Date

I have not yet managed to secure a date for this week and I'm starting to go into panic mode. This may be the first week where I have to face my fears and actually ask a guy out. For real. Just thinking about it makes me start hyperventilating. My heart is racing, blood is pumping. Just from the mention of this thing.

OK, a few deep breaths, better.

I was awkward, at best, in high school. Junior year I was on the prom comittee and was supposed to try to be at the prom, but no one asked me. I thought I would take matters into my own hands, by asking a lovely boy named Bobby. I had a little crush on Bobby, but nothing that made me a tongue-tied mess around him or anything. So one day I decided to just go up and ask, 'Hey Bobby, would you like to go to prom with me?' 'No'.... That's it. Just NO with no explanation, no 'hey I'm broke and don't want to spend the money,' nothing. The most painful part, though, actually, was setting up the decorations that afternoon, and then going home. Ouch, I think that still might hurt a little.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Penny Date w/ Stephen

Going out with creative types is always a good time, but when a creative type is fully engaged in entertaining you, it can be overwhelming. Stephen has been talking up the 'Penny Date' for a couple of weeks now and it was completely unexpected.

So we met up last night in front of Starline. When I got into his car, his first question was 'So, what do you want to do'. I was confused, and since I am gullible, I bought his act hook, line and sinker. He waited me out a couple of minutes, while my sluggish brain caught on to the fact that he was teasing, and then presented me with an Altoids tin. The tin was full of pennies. He then presented what appeared to be a menu from a fancy restaurant, however all of the selections were options of what we could do on the date, with amounts for how much each activity would cost me. For example, the first thing I chose on the menu was a tea from Teazers (go by there, that place is great), which cost me 3 cents. I wish my scanner worked right now so that I could show you, but alas, you will have to imagine it.

We had great conversation the whole date, but at this point Stephen reminded me that we needed to get going, so I needed to pick the next thing on the menu. We took a drive up into the mountains, to a pretty look out spot on the road to Kings Canyon. The look out was a great spot with a perfect view of Fresno as little tiny points of light. It was also in a dark enough spot that the stars were super bright. Since I was so comfortable in Stephen's presence, we held hands and cuddled alot up there while we talked.

My next choice was dinner and a movie, but it was getting to be about 10pm on a Sunday, so all of the restaurants were closed. We went through the In N Out drive thru and headed over to the Riverpark movie theatre to see (500) days of Summer. The movie was really good, although the couple in front of us engaging in sexual activities (she was giving him the quietest blow job ever!) was very distracting.

We ended the date with drinks and chats at Starline, and a little kiss at my car before I drove home. I have very little experience with kissing, and I'm not great at it because of this, but it was a lovely and silly way to end the evening. Stephen says that it's not a real date if there isn't the possibility of smooches, so there were smooches.

Stephen is a cool guy and a lot of fun to hang with, so all of you that warned me about him were silly worry warts.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

A Double Standard

My double standard - I can do anything, don't treat me like a silly little girl, oh by the way big strong capable man, can you fix that light bulb for me please?

I do it, I'll admit it. I am a strong intelligent woman, I get irritated when a man implies that because I'm a woman I can't accomplish something, or I am incapable of understanding the complexities of the wiring. I can weld, for god's sake. I've swung a hammer, hung a light fixture, and figured out the unintelligible instructions from a product made in China. Just because I ask a man to do something doesn't mean I can not do it myself, usually it means I don't feel like figuring it out, or spending my time on it.

That being said, I have been known to bat my eyelashes and praise the general worthiness of a man in order to get what I want.

I had a frustrating weekend in this way.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Penny Date

I will be going out with Stephen tomorrow night and he keeps teasing me by calling it "The Penny Date". But what is the penny date? My money is on a scavenger hunt. What say you? Comment and try to guess, the commenter who is closest will win a prize.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Have you ever?

Have you ever done something completely hurtful without realizing how bad it really is? I have put a new friend in an awkward position and my stupidity is no good excuse.

My friend Jag, whom I respect and adore, was such a good sport to go out with me the other night, but in blogging about my own idiocy I have left the impression that he was untoward. At no point that night did I ever feel like I was in danger of unwanted advances from him, he was a perfect gentleman, and sweeter to me than I deserve.

In eighth grade I had a crush on Les, he was a dreamboat and really into me, or so I thought. I am, as many of you may know, a late bloomer, so at this point in my life I had still not had a first kiss. Les and I were in choir together, and when the choir went up to SCICON for a fund-raiser, we sat with each other on the bus ride up. After our performance, Les asked me to take one of the hikes with him. We had been given a couple of hours to hang out around the campground and it seemed like everything, that my 13 year old brain could come up with, was going to happen. In fact, as we took the trail, with another couple, they fell away and it was just the two of us, holding hands and walking. Idyllic really. At a certain point in the trail we came up on a bridge over a small creek, our stopping point, and a pretty romantic spot. Not bad for a 13 yr. old lothario. We were talking, and at one point Les leaned over and kissed me, just a small peck on the lips. I was slightly dazed. We kept talking, and he once more tried to kiss me, but I put my hand on his chest and said 'Wait'. He seemed nonplussed. 'For what?' I just needed a minute to gather my thoughts, but he was gone. He took off back up the trail, and left me there, wondering what I had done to make him mad. I was late getting back to the bus, since I had not been paying much attention to the trail on the way down, I got lost two or three times finding my way back. When I got on the bus Les was already in the very back, cuddling with Wendy. The funny thing is, if he had just waited a few more minutes, up there on that bridge, let me gather my thoughts, I would have let him kiss me.

How does this story relate? I'm not sure, other than to tell you, I'm damaged. Life seems to want to go so fast, and sometimes I just need a moment to deal. Unfortunately, when I let life speed take over, I mess up.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Let's try this again

Friday night, after our performance, Jag and I met up at Livingstone's in the Tower District. After the intensity of the performance, Jag got us a small table in a darkish corner, a cool and relaxing way to spend the rest of the evening. Although Jag claims that he enjoys making people uncomfortable, he did everything possible to make me comfortable, to keep the conversation flowing and make sure that I was at ease.

So, as dinner is served, he decides that we are going to play a little game of Truth wherein we each get to ask a question and the other person must answer truthfully. Of course, there is an escape clause, you may choose not to answer. Now you might say that this is a surefire way to make someone uncomfortable, but we're both actors, we love talking about ourselves. The questions ranged from silly to squirm-worthy, and I only declined to answer one question. I've slept three times since then, so I do not remember the question, sorry. We laughed alot, especially when I told Jag that one word I would use to describe him was Crazy.

Alright, here's where I get awkward and weird. We closed the bar, actually got asked to leave, because they wanted to clean up and go home. We were in the middle of a train of thought, so when Jag turned towards home, in the opposite direction of my car, I went along with him. It was 2am, I should have said thank you very much, gotten in my car and driven home, but I was having a good time, I wanted to continue chatting. He invited me back to his place for a drink and I said sure, but then, of course, my overactive crazy took over and I started obsessing. Why did he invite me back to his place? Was he expecting something from me? Was that what I wanted? What am I doing? As soon as I retreated into my brain the conversation went south and instead of saying 'hey it's late, I should actually head home', I continued to his apartment. Have I mentioned that I have very little experience in this area. I'm quite sure that my heart was at a hummingbird's speed. Once we were there I felt awkward about being there, and pretty quickly decided it was time to call it a night. He walked me back to my car and I avoided all physical contact. Have I mentioned I'm no good at this? Should I have hugged him? Kiss on the cheek? It felt unfinished.

Wineguy's Response

Before I try to re-write, in a more coherent fashion, my thoughts on my date with Jag, I just want to let you all know what Wineguy had to say. I was a bad girl and did not tell him that he was a part of this little project, but I did e-mail him back and ask for honest feedback. His response was much the same as mine, he thought I was a nice girl that he had no chance of a romantic attachment with. That's all. XO

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Date with Jag

Jag Bennett is a really smart guy. I think he may have gotten bored with me last night when we went out after the show. We met up at Livingstone's, in the Tower, for an after show meal. Just so you know Gabi, I had the veggie quesidilla and it was delicious. We, of course, spent the first part of the meal rehashing last night's show, talking about the generator issues (it still makes me want to sit down and cry), and various shows that we have been involved with in the past.

On this date I was reminded that I don't read people's signals very well, nor do I know what signals I am sending out. Jag and I are already friends so I was not in the state of consumed panic that usually takes over when I go out with someone new, but that also means my antenna were not attuned to the minute details of reactions.

I just read the previous sentence and it made no sense to me. Let me try that again.

Jag has a good heart, so I'm not sure if he was humoring me, or having a good time as well.

Unfortunately, because we went out after a show, I was not tarted up, so no pictures of cute outfits or fabu hair.

Sorry I'm so scattered today.

Perhaps Jag can shed more light on this date than me.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Wineguy Date

Here's what I wore for my date last night with Wineguy.

I was feeling cute, let me tell you, but no compliments! boo. So, unfortunately for him, that was one strike against him.

We met in front of the Borders at Riverpark and from there got Gyros to go at that splendid place by the movie theatre. We took the food, and the case of wine that he brought, out to Woodward Park and had a picnic wine tasting. As dates go, I'd say that's pretty hard to top. He's very knowledgable about wine, but wasn't a snob when I had no clue what he was talking about. I'm terrible at wine, give me a box of something sweet and a glass with ice in it anyday. Although it was really the ideal setting, very romantic, it just wasn't going to start any fires. Wineguy is really nice, although maybe a little too full of his own intelligence, but there was definitely no spark. I will have to keep him in mind for a friend, because he really is a nice guy. Though 5'10", please, more like 5'8".

One thing I did try to do, that was really helpful, at least in my brain, was adopt a line from Sufism. The people that you meet are the ends, not the means. I really tried to just be there, in that moment. It completely eliminated my nerves.

Then again, it probably won't work next time.

Oh well, I got a case of half drunk wines out of it!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Who Pays?

Last night I met Stephen, a follower of my blog and a future date, isn't that exciting. I also had a man come into the restroom and look over the stall wall while I was occupying it. Those things are completely unrelated, I assure you, however it does illustrate the contradictions that are the Tower District in Fresno. On the one hand I met a very funny guy and had a great conversation, the fact that he was totally complimentary may have swayed me in his favor. On the other hand, the jerks. If only we could corral the jerks into one bar in one city.

Stephen (BTW, I hope I'm spelling your name right) did give me a tutorial in dating money etiquette. His theory, that I should act like I'm going to pay, offer to pay even, and hold out for the guy to pick up the tab. Seems a little suspect in my situation since I'm the one asking for the date. It has always been my feeling that the person doing the asking pays for the date, but I've heard from some men who tell me that it is emmasculating (sp?) to let the woman pay. What do you think?

My date with wineguy is Saturday and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I should put together a picnic and ask him to bring a bottle of wine. We'll see.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009


This weeks activities have nearly all revolved around Jag Bennett (sp?). And not only because I am full time in Richard rehearsals. Friday night Jag, Heather and I convened at Starline Grill for drinks after rehearsal (that may become a recurring theme here). We had some great conversation, but of course, eventually, it turned around to this silly quest I've put myself on. Jag had many insightful things to say about dating, but byfar my favorite was this; that dating is the act of a man jumping obstacles, whilst simutaneously the woman is lowering obstacles.

I just want to sit with that visual for a minute.

shhh......just think about it.

I'm questioning my sanity a little bit, but that visual is coming back to me a lot. The problem for me, as always, is that I see that I throw up obstacles, I just don't know how to tear them down. Whoever said that acknowledging the problem was half the battle never met me.

So this weekend is a full one. Friday night, before rehearsal, I'm going to try to get to Creative Fresno's monthly Blender. Hopefully Heather will accompany me. (really I'm begging you!) Then on Saturday I have a re-try date with Wineguy, whom I had to cancel on last Saturday. Fingers-crossed that he's not a freak!