Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Book

Several months ago Jag gave me a brilliant little book to read called 'Goal: Your 30-Day Game Plan for Business and Career Success'. The hope was that I could apply the principles in the book to my date project, thereby showing that the book could be used for more than just achieving career and economic goals. For me there is only one problem, I'm not really sure what the goal of this project is.

Decision making is not my strong suit, or rather, I like to see what's going to happen and react accordingly, so trying to narrow this down to one achievable goal has been mind numbing. I'm not trying to get hitched, don't care if I score a boyfriend out of this, and really the whole point was to force me to get out of a rut. So, friends, help me out.

Once I've got an articulated achievable goal I will follow the steps in the book and see if it works, but how do you quantify 'I want to meet people' in to a goal that makes sense and is quantifiable?

Monday, October 26, 2009

33 things to do...

before I turn 34.

1. Finish the Date Project (obviously)
2. Start a business
3. visit Yosemite
4. make 100% of my Christmas presents
5. take Belly Dancing class
6. get into some therapy
7. dance with a stranger at Dicken's Faire
8. expell unnecessary objects from my life
9. Read 'War And Peace'
10. host an art salon
11. save four months worth of living expenses
12. See a show at Oregon Shakespeare Festival
13. form a habit of yoga each morning
14. Create a website for Circle N
15. take pictures in a photo booth
16. roast marshmallows and hot dogs at a campfire
17. visit another state
18. be involved in a political rally
19. host an 'art for your supper' dinner party
20. spend all day relaxing in bed with someone else
21. go a whole week eating only whole foods
22. Grow a plant from seed
23. Raise money for a charity
24. Self-portrait
25. visit Modjeska House in Orange County
26. watch the sunset at the beach
27. High Tea
28. Spend a weekend crafting with girlfriends
29. sit in an egg chair at the Sequoia National Park visitor's center
30. Learn to use everything on my Blackberry
31. Get back on a bike
32. taste 20 foods that I'm scared of
33. get the 'Naked Lady' statue appraised

These are the things that I am going to attempt to accomplish before next July. Wanna help?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Poetry at Revue

Cindy posted an event on facebook a couple of days ago that seemed like exactly the reason I want to move north, a poetry reading. Before you all start snoring, you should know that this was a really cool event in an amazing new venue. The main draw was a woman poet from Brighton, England, very funny and intense. Just listening to her accent made me want to walk around saying 'Brilliant' all night. The rest of the poets on the bill were locals, and so impressive, I just want to wrap them up and carry them around with me.

I have to say that the highlight of my night was getting to hang out with Cindy, Cynthia and Bruce. The fact that they were there was such a mind-easer for me, and meeting Cynthia was just awesome (what a cool lady!). Drinks after at Landmark and then a Shirley Temple nightcap at Starline, what a brilliant night. The more I get out on my own in Fresno, the more I know that I'm making the right decision to move.

In honor of the night of poetry I thought I'd share something I wrote a couple of years ago.

Yes, our lord and savior

When I was 19 I
was in love with Andy
Andy was in love with
I didn't want three people
in the relationship
Neither did Andy

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Soul Sucking

I am sure that everyone has a few things in their own life that seem like a soul sucking drain. For me these things are going out to dinner with my family and doing laundry.

Now, I love my family and enjoy spending time with them, however when you are in a group that consists of Mom, Dad, Grandma and relatively young woman, you have a giant flashing sign above your head that says 'Old Maid'. Being an old maid is not a big deal for me, if I didn't have to see people from my childhood every five feet. The look that they give you is the worst, along with the well-meaning 'Aren't you moving out of town any time soon?'

The laundry is just frustrating because my grandmother is always trying to instruct me on how to do it, as if I didn't spend months and months of my life doing laundry for PCPA and Tuacahn.

Monday, October 19, 2009


I believe that we are all vain about something. It could be that you believe yourself to be the best at organization, a great writer, or something more frivolous like knowing how pretty your eyes are. Whatever your vanity is, I'm starting to believe it should be embraced.

I have two main vanities (is that a word?) and if a date doesn't comment on one of them, I am turned off. I can't help it, well I can, but they are important to me. First, I love my hair. I will obsessively brush and arrange it, take it down and redo it. I'm not great at using a curling iron, or styling products, but I always try to make sure that it's shiny and smells good. Really, though, even if my date were to say 'you look great tonight', that's enough. It doesn't have to be a specific comment about my hair, but any compliment tells me that he appreciates the hour or so that I spent to look presentable on our date. Second vanity, my voice. I'm a singer, and though I don't sing very often anymore, if a guy compliments my singing he's halfway home. It's a turn on to be noticed and appreciated for a talent that I spent almost ten years of my life on.

Here's my questions; What are you vain about? How do you determine a guy's vanity, and compliment it?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Let's Go Bowling

One Onstage week finished, one to go and I am officially unemployed. Well, from that job anyway. After a stressful week of trying to get everything done for TCOE, and keeping my Aunt from wanting to kill me, I felt like I deserved a party. Luckily S. Eric Day was having his birthday party at Starline last night, Let's Go Bowling was playing, and lots of people I knew were going to be there.

So last night, after unpacking the set from my car into the carport, I jumped into the shower, shaved my legs, combed my hairs, put my pink party dress on, and headed North. Jag, Heather and Young Josh showed up about 5 minutes after I got there, we had drinks, talked about the terrible opening act and then boogied to some Let's Go Bowling. LGB is a great band, by the way. There were a ton of people that I knew there; Cindy, Lisi, Chris, Nicki and it was awesome to see everyone. Although I have a really hard time hearing and following conversations when there is live music, so I tend to look vague, smile and nod. I spent most of the night chatting with Young Josh, who is charming, and being a crying shoulder for a friend whose recent ex decided to show up at the party. The ex is yucky, but that's another story that is not mine to tell.

One highlight, although miniscule in the grand scheme of the night, was when a guy came over, to where I was sitting, to chat me up. I sort of know him, he's one of the cooks at Starline (he makes the best pizza), but for the life of me I can not remember his name. Anybody? At any rate, he's adorable, and when I see him again maybe I'll get up the courage to ask him out. Maybe. He's single, right?

SM showed up right when I had to leave. I really wanted to hang with him, and would have stayed, but he encouraged me to get home. Good thing too, 8am came really fast this morning. I have a crush on him, which he knows about but is trying to discourage. I'm not really sure where I'm going with that, other than just putting it out there.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Just news

I have officially resigned from TCOE.

Sorry, I just had to let that first sentence sink in. Anywho, I will be doing the next school with Adrienne and hopefully training my replacement at the end of November, and then I am free. It was such a load off this afternoon talking to Brian. I just told him I was feeling especially crazy lately, and that I needed to not be working with kids. He was totally supportive, which I knew he would be, but I was still nervous about talking to him. Brian is one person that I don't want to disappoint, he has taken some big chances on me in the past and I so appreciate his faith in my abilities. He hired me straight out of COS to Stage Manage a production of Peter Pan. The craziest part of that is, I had never managed a moving set before.

Going to S. Eric Day's birthday party at Starline on Friday, hopefully there will be a few people that I know there, so I'm not a complete wreck. I need to think of it as a networking event for my personal brand. Maybe if I think of it in business terms I can get over myself enough to relax.


Monday, October 12, 2009


There were some news stories on NPR tonight, as I was driving up to Fresno, that inspired me so much. The thing is, I think if I had heard them even four days ago, I would have been listening with different ears. Does that make any sense? Roseanne Cash was talking about the legacy that her family left her, and about how she didn't appreciate it until her parents were gone. She has a new album out that is really cool in theory, I just don't like her voice. It's from a list of essential songs that her dad made for her when she was 18. The 100 American songs that she needed to know. What a cool idea. I have a hard time making lists of 5, let alone 100. In the spirit of this, here's a list: Five Songs That Shaped Me

1. Cool Change by Little River Band (dancing with my mom in the entryway of our house as a baby.)
2. Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper
3. Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue (this is mostly about hanging out with my cool cousin Faye)
4. She's Always A Woman by Billy Joel
5. In The Wee Small Hours, Frank Sinatra version

Anyway, back to my point. I think that we hear in a story what we need to hear at that moment. It's like reading a book, I've read Jane Eyre about 15 times, and every time I get something different out of it. Watching a movie is like that too. It's not about the story itself, but how we hear the story in that moment.

It's late so I'm not sure if that made any sense.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I am inspired...

to sing. 'I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds...'

So, my friends, for the past two weeks, I have burst into tears for no reason, snapped at people just because, and generally been horrible to myself and others. Had I known the location of a mental hospital yesterday, I would have committed myself. Enough is enough.

It occured to me, as I was making some decisions yesterday, mainly dealing with jobs, that I have been hiding behind my family for a few years. It is time to step up and become an adult, master of my own destiny, responsible to myself and my world.

Obviously I have been trying to delay adulthood. I can honestly say that I'm just not sure what being an adult means. I spent ten years in school avoiding the real world, and now about five years in Circle N land. Where do I start? Get a job - working on it. Get an apartment - working on it. Sit my family down and explain that doing this is for my mental well-being - putting that off until the last possible second.

As far as job hunting is concerned, I'm a little scared, because I have few workable skills. I'm great at Customer Service, I can type, all of my experience is in Retail or Theatre, what in the world am I suited for? I am going to the Bartender's School, since it's pretty cheap and quick, but the lack of experience scares me a bit. The good thing is I know what I don't want, and that is kids, or rather working with kids. Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean you should do it.

Alot of you, my friends, have questioned my decision about bartending. Here's the short of it; I have excellent customer service skills, a really good short-term memory recall for details, and (with the exception of this summer) my feathers don't get ruffled in stressful situations. Also, since I know that this blog is supposed to be about me dating, and it hasn't been for a couple of weeks, I'm hoping that being social for my job will help me develop some better communication skills in my life.

Right now I am picturing a few of you rolling your eyes at me.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I've made a decision. I will be attending Bartender's School and then moving. The school helps with job placement, so I'll be making good use of that. It probably won't be an out of the valley move quite yet, but it will be a move none the less.

Now that the decision is made I feel a weight has been lifted off of me. I do still have gut twists about talking to my family, but that's already in motion.

Thank you everyone who has been encouraging, or pushy, or downright irritating about my life.

Hopefully I'll have more on the dating front soon, for now, it's sleepy time.

Monday, October 5, 2009

too something

it's always something...

I swear, the universe did not want me publishing what I just spent 40 minutes typing, because I accidentally hit the mouse pad and erased all but the first line. It was depressing drivel anyway.

I was just planning to say that, no matter what, I'm always too something for someone. Too old, too young, too fat, too naive, too complying, too composed, too willing, too shallow, too silly, too immature, too whatever. I can only be who I am, a 33 year old with no significant relationships in my past, attracted to older men who are unavailable to me, and maybe a little selfish since I've only had to think of myself, or family, for the last 33 years of my life. I'd like to have someone significant in my life, soon. I'm not gonna lie, friends, I want to have a relationship, bad. I want the person to come home to, the cuddles in bed, morning make-outs and I'm jealous of my friends tht have this. All of you in relationships right now, I hope you know how lucky you are.

That's all.

Online Dating

Or rather, online meeting, is so full of strange nuances. Tonight I clicked through several profiles on plenty of fish and Chemistry and realized that I automatically bypassed anybody that made glaring grammatical errors. If you are an educated man over the age of 30 I don't think that you should still be confusing 'their' with 'they're'. And yet I make similar mistakes all of the time, but in a profile for a dating site, to me, it shows a lack of focus. All you have to do is go back and edit. A recent column on UntilIGetMarried.com was all about unreasonable turn-offs and I could totally relate, however Jozen, the author, was turned off by a woman who drank root beer. It's weird, but they aren't called unreasonable for nothing. Here's my list:

1. A man wearing a suit that does not fit.
2. A date telling me about his boring ass office job and then condescending to listen to my "little artsy thing"
3. Earrings. If his are more elaborate than mine, we have a problem.
4. A guy that does not know how to hold an eating utensil properly.
5. Dirty teeth, gross, if his teeth aren't clean, just imagine what's going on in his pants.

Now that I left you with a pleasant mental image, have a stunning week everyone.


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Wanna stop...

but I won't. Feeling really shitty about my excursion to Re:FUSE last night.

Actually, 40 Watt Hype is a great band, and I would love to go if they were playing at a club somewhere.

I was making myself go alone so that I might have a chance of talking to someone, approaching a stranger and striking up a conversation. I just ended up feeling like the weird girl who was there by herself. Some quotes from my note taking, I warn you they are maudlin:

"If I go back to the status quo of what I did before I started this, what would be so bad? 33, single, living with family, friends that love me..."

"At least when I wasn't going out, I didn't feel bad about myself in this way."

"What if it's really just me? What if e-Harmony is right and I am among the 20% of people who can not be matched?"

"What if you try your hardest and still nobody wants you?"

Went to youtube and found a happy song video that sums up how I feel today.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Random Thoughts

I started the evening in these:
They felt a little like this:
So, in the end, I dug these out of my car:
I ended up going completely for comfort tonight, didn't even wear the purple top, which would have required a foundation garment I was uninterested in putting on.
Random thought #1:
Were there ever any episodes of Three's Company where they dealt with the two women sharing a bedroom? Did they hang a sock on the door when they had a man friend over? Was it first one home gets the bedroom? That's a whole episode, the girls trying to beat each other home, and their dates wondering why they need to cut the dinner short and get straight to the sex. Not that they'd be complaining.
Random Thought #2:
If you've never seen 'Wet, Hot American Summer' then you should.
Random Thought #3:
It weirds me out a little (unnerves, really) when a guy has pictures of his parents in his bedroom. I once had a one night stand and the guy had a pic of his mom on the nightstand. I felt like she was judging me the whole time, and couldn't relax.
Random Thought #4:
I have a print of 'Rainy Day, Paris' by Caillebotte (sp?) hanging on my wall, and no matter what I do, it will not hang straight.
Random Thought #5: the last, I promise
I met two cool ladies tonight, Airplane Jayne and Ailene Imperatrice (sp?). Both brilliant, by the way. Still getting freaked at introducing myself to men. Maybe next time, but I am going, alone, to Re:FUSE tomorrow night. I just need to remind myself of the mantra Nicole gave me 'My name is Kristin Crase and I can do anything'.
Big Thanks to HP and Jag for accompanying me.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

October Blender

Tomorrow night I'm headed north to attend the October Blender for Creative Fresno. I'm meeting up with friends, but my challenge will be to talk to new people, folks I've never met, and not just women. I'm ashamed to say that is what I did at the last Blender, and she spoke to me.

Listening to Mamma Mia to get into the mood. So I'm putting my outfit together also, wanna help? Here's the top I'll be wearing, though maybe not this belt:

I'm going to pair this with straight leg jeans, nothing too fussy, but which shoes?

The little booties make me purr, but the last time I wore them I wanted to rip my feet off. I also really love the t-straps, but maybe not with jeans. I've never worn the pointy toe kitten heels, so I've got no feel for comfort, but they are pretty cute. Should I scrap them all and go for strappy sandals?