Of all of my girlfriends, I am officially the last one single. That fact was brought into clear focus this week. Don't misunderstand me, I am so happy for them, I love that they are in various stages of love, getting some, all of that jazz. I just find the prospect of being a crazy old cat lady daunting, especially when it looks like I'll be the only one.
I love my solitude. I prefer to see movies by myself, am undetered from eating in a restaurant by myself, love the time I get to spend curled up in my big leather chair just surfing the net, but there is occasionally a crushing sense of loneliness that is inescapable. Even my planned move to Fresno isn't going to keep me from being alone, I'll just be alone in different circumstances.
Fortunately I've realized that it won't be fixed by 'the weight of a man on top of me' as SJP said on Sex in the City, not that I would turn that down, but it's something in me, something unfixable. I think my need to fill that gap of loneliness is in my eyes, it scares men away, they don't want to deal with that intensity right away. I get it, it's scary to have someone need you right away. I just don't know how to get rid of that look in my eyes.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I've probably had that look since I was nine. The year my dad left. I love my dad, but he was pretty fucked up when I was a kid. When I was nine, he went to prison, and I spent years trying to figure out why. Why we were less important. Why he thought we would be okay without him. Why I was not enough to keep him home. Intellectually I understand that it had nothing to do with me, or anything that I did, but how do you convince your inner child of that? How do you fix the broken?
Fuck, I'm a depressing old hag. Sorry friends.