Of all of my girlfriends, I am officially the last one single. That fact was brought into clear focus this week. Don't misunderstand me, I am so happy for them, I love that they are in various stages of love, getting some, all of that jazz. I just find the prospect of being a crazy old cat lady daunting, especially when it looks like I'll be the only one.
I love my solitude. I prefer to see movies by myself, am undetered from eating in a restaurant by myself, love the time I get to spend curled up in my big leather chair just surfing the net, but there is occasionally a crushing sense of loneliness that is inescapable. Even my planned move to Fresno isn't going to keep me from being alone, I'll just be alone in different circumstances.
Fortunately I've realized that it won't be fixed by 'the weight of a man on top of me' as SJP said on Sex in the City, not that I would turn that down, but it's something in me, something unfixable. I think my need to fill that gap of loneliness is in my eyes, it scares men away, they don't want to deal with that intensity right away. I get it, it's scary to have someone need you right away. I just don't know how to get rid of that look in my eyes.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I've probably had that look since I was nine. The year my dad left. I love my dad, but he was pretty fucked up when I was a kid. When I was nine, he went to prison, and I spent years trying to figure out why. Why we were less important. Why he thought we would be okay without him. Why I was not enough to keep him home. Intellectually I understand that it had nothing to do with me, or anything that I did, but how do you convince your inner child of that? How do you fix the broken?
Fuck, I'm a depressing old hag. Sorry friends.
In all seriousness, find a therapist. You may have to go through a dozen or so but finding someone to talk to would be priceless. You could even start out with someone who is getting their hours in training under another Doctor, since it is cheaper. All that is built up inside of you is just going to stay there and fester. Probably going to take countless months until you feel comfortable. It will be an emotionally brutal adventure, but you will come out on the other side with, hopefully, a peaceful and healed inner child. Just don't get suckered in to "insightful" friends who want to tell you how to do it. I send you good thoughts hon, you deserve them.
ReplyDeletei know how you feeling about the whole being single thing. being single during the holiday season seems a bit more intense then it does during other times of the year. its weird, if i see a woman out and about having dinner by herself i automatically think wow, how is she comfortable that way. its weird cause i have no problem going out to eat by myself, although i dont think i could go see a movie in the theatres by myself, mainly cause i dont like to go to the movies and would rather wait till the dvd comes out, lol.
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