Friday, December 4, 2009

Lots of Ground

Oh friends, I have a lot of ground to cover tonight.

I. Over a week since my last post, but a downswing week to be sure. Rest assured I am now on the upswing. Swings? Yes, as in my cycle of mood swings. I think I've officially made a scientific study of these swings and can now say that I have a complete four week cycle figured out.

week one: downshifting; I start to feel bad about myself, therefore I treat myself to copious amounts of Ben & Jerry's, which makes me feel guilty, thereby creating a downward spiral.

week two: bottom of the heap; Wherein I am depressed and don't want to leave my house, bedroom, or even my comfy bed. (usually coincides with "Aunt Flo" visiting)

week three: manic upswing; unbridled optimism and confidence. I always dress the best in this week.

week four: realism; the week that I get the most accomplished, punctuated by list making and cleaning projects.

Now, if I could just figure out how to work out a work schedule that could play to the strengths of my natural rhythms I would be in business.

II. This week I have begun almost all of my Christmas presents, but I'm starting to get nervous that I won't finish them all in the next three weeks. Of course, last year Julia got her present on her birthday in April instead of at Christmas. Hopefully that won't happen again. I was also going to send out Christmas cards this week, but realized that I don't really have the physical addresses of my friends. It is an odd world that we live in, for sure.

III. Tonight I attended the encore performance of Airplane Jayne's one woman show "Looking for my Man-I-Can". It was so funny, and gave me a shot in the arm for this project. Dating and relationships are so strange, but the fun is in sharing your own story and finding people who have been through something similar.

IV. Speaking of - My friend Young Andrew and I have been chatting a bit on facebook, since we both seem to be online in the morning at about the same time. This week we were commiserating and I realized that men's dating lives aren't that different from a woman's. Miscommunications, misread signals, and hurt feelings. Of course, that thought brought to mind Jag's bit of wisdom from several months ago, that 'a man must jump over barriers whilst a woman is simultaneously lowering them'. What a dog and pony show this dating is. The fact is that my barriers are there for a reason (daddy issues) and there don't seem to be any men trying to jump those barriers at the moment.

V. That thought makes me wonder if the men who were going to try to jump my barriers have tried already. I've had my alotment, rejected them, and am now forever doomed to singleton status.

The year I turned 20 was one of the worst of my life, my parents divorce, dropping out of Westmont (though, definitely the right decision), and a job at my old high school as a coach for the colorguard. That job made me so fucking miserable, although, in hindsight, it probably saved me from finishing my degree in English with a teaching credential, getting a job as a teacher and living a life of pure misery. The one bright spot of the job was a guy named Chris that I had gone to school with. Chris was the drumline coach, a super D & D nerd, but very sweet. Unfortunately Chris decided that it would be really cute for us to become a couple. Without consulting me about this decision. I liked Chris, as a friend, in fact at the time he was probably my best friend, but I was not ready for him to start sending me bouquets of roses, or make suggestive remarks in front of our students. He came on really strong and I immediately retreated, threw up every barrier I could find, think of, whatever. Luckily, the next month I got fired, and I haven't seen him since, but I do wish I could go back and tell him to chill out. I might have responded to more subtlety.

BTW, if you are in the Fresno area this coming week there are a few things I plan to attend and you should too. One is the Circle de Noel show, it's a bunch of Fresno based etsy sellers, getting together and selling their crafts and art on Dec. 10th. I'll try to get more info and post it. The other thing is White Rice Christmas at KP's Actor's Gym. It's about Asian immigrant's experiences with the American version of Christmas.


  1. I'm glad you're out and about in this week of...wait, is this manic week or the beginning of Ben & Jerry's week?

    I like Jag's barriers theory...

  2. I'm definitely in manic week. If you had seen me last night you could have guessed, I was looking good. Although I am without plans again until next weekend, I don't know what I am going to do with all of this energy.