Vanity

I believe that we are all vain about something. It could be that you believe yourself to be the best at organization, a great writer, or something more frivolous like knowing how pretty your eyes are. Whatever your vanity is, I'm starting to believe it should be embraced.

I have two main vanities (is that a word?) and if a date doesn't comment on one of them, I am turned off. I can't help it, well I can, but they are important to me. First, I love my hair. I will obsessively brush and arrange it, take it down and redo it. I'm not great at using a curling iron, or styling products, but I always try to make sure that it's shiny and smells good. Really, though, even if my date were to say 'you look great tonight', that's enough. It doesn't have to be a specific comment about my hair, but any compliment tells me that he appreciates the hour or so that I spent to look presentable on our date. Second vanity, my voice. I'm a singer, and though I don't sing very often anymore, if a guy compliments my singing he's halfway home. It's a turn on to be noticed and appreciated for a talent that I spent almost ten years of my life on.

Here's my questions; What are you vain about? How do you determine a guy's vanity, and compliment it?

NCTO's

Westmont had a tradition called a NCTO (nic-toe), a Non-Committal Take Out, which I always thought was brilliant. The idea was that an organizer, usually the resident assistant, would arrange a group outing, like bowling or a trip to the zoo, and then you set your roommate up with someone you thought they would like. It was pretty low pressure, since there would be a ton of folks there, if you didn't really like your date there was always someone else to talk to. Plus, you could really tell which roommates did not like each other.

One of my favorite NCTO dates was Andrew (Fuzzy). Fuzz and I got hooked up alot, and he was one of the nicest men I have ever known. I think people put us together because we were both awkward, and never was that more apparent than Ballroom Dancing. I have danced, so I thought 'no problem'. Fuzz, on the other hand, was about as coordinated as a broken leg trying to paint with it's toes. The instructor was an ancient Japanese man that taught Judo during the day and dance at night. He walked around the room with a Shinai, a bamboo cane, wacking people in the back telling them to 'stand up straight', 'don't look at your feet', you're too close together', 'you are too far apart', and 'Kristin stop leading'. The funny thing was that we kept going back for this torture, it was so much fun. Inevitably, the assistants would come over and break us up, Fuzz would end up dancing with the beautiful pro dancer, and I would be in the arms of a guy that didn't let me lead, a glorious feeling. There was no chance that Fuzzy and I were going to date, he felt like my brother, but it was so fun to hang with him and laugh at ourselves. That was the point of these NCTO's after all.

As we made it into our Sophomore year these take outs got more intense. We, as women, were at school to find our husbands, after all. The pressure to look cute, hang on his every word, and find 'The One' was so high that eventually I found other things I had to do on those nights when a NCTO was scheduled. I was 19, I didn't want a husband. Mostly, though, I didn't want the whole school watching as I bungled my way through yet another awkward date.

The year after I left Westmont I went to visit some of my friends there. I was so excited to see Fuzzy, but his then girlfriend, now wife, was not happy to see me. She insisted that I not refer to her future husband as 'fuzzy', his name was Andrew. How sad I thought it was that this funny guy, creative and silly, was going to end up married to such a prig. It scared the shit out of me. How do you avoid this?

In other news, our well is broken, so I haven't showered today. Anybody got a shower I can use? Wanna share it with me? ;)




This picture is the new jewelry display I did for my store today.

Coming on strong - Volume 1

Coming on too strong has always back-fired on me in the past, but I can not help it, it's in my nature. I 'throw all of my eggs into one basket' and pursue the hell out of whatever it is. The irony is not lost on me, I am afraid to approach a stranger I'm interested in, but as soon as I am comfortable, all bets are off, I have tunnel vision on my target. Although, that sounds way more predatory than it is meant.

The first time this instinct kicked in I was a freshman at Westmont. My girlfriends and I were having lunch when Superman sat down at our table and started asking questions. To clarify, Superman was Sam, and Sam looked like a young Christopher Reeve. He asked us some inane question and I retorted by asking him if he was in the habit of hitting on lower-classmen in the DC (dining commons). Apparently Sam thought I was funny and turned his considerable charm directly on me. We chatted for about an hour, in fact I think I skipped a class in order to keep talking to him. With the encouragement (i.e. egging on) of my friends, I got up the guts to call and ask him out, a milkshake at the snack bar (no drinks, this was at Christian College). At that, our first date, Sam told me that he thought aggresive behavior, like asking for a date, was unbecoming in a woman, to which I responded "then why did you agree to go out with me?" That question got me a second date.

Sam and I spent alot of time together for several weeks. We would eat lunch together, study together (even though he was a Senior and taking way harder classes than me), and sat at Vespers together, which was huge there. One day I called Sam and asked if I could get him to take me into town, since as a freshman I didn't have a car, I told him I would buy him dinner if he would take me shopping. Here is, apparently, where I miscommunicated. He agreed, but when we got into town and I asked if he wanted to shop first or eat first, he got angry and accused me of using him for his car. At a stop light in downtown Santa Barbara, he leaned over me and opened my passenger door, indicated that I should get out, and then left me there on the street corner, very confused. Later, after I made the most of my shopping trip, and had a grand time by myself, I tried to talk to Sam, but he made it clear that he was uninterested in resolving the issue. I avoided him like the plague, since I knew his schedule well, that wasn't very hard. During finals week that semester, Sam tried to sit with me a couple of times in the DC, but I just got up and left the table, no matter where I was in the course of my meal. I'll always be confused by this chain of events, but pursuing him so aggressively has always weighed on my mind.

Next time I tell you about my next bout with aggressiveness, but for now a picture of the set I've been painting on.

Honesty

No reason to add this photo, I just think it's funny.

A major obstacle in my dating has always been my ability to be honest with myself. I am, at times, brutally honest with myself. i.e. - I thought I looked hot one night, but look back at pictures and realize I was just a hot mess. Once sex, or the thought of sex, enters the ring, I turn into a tongue-tied imbecile who can not form a complete sentence. I thinking I'm flirting, but end up with the guy looking around for someone more coherent to talk to. Still, I have moments where I am dishonest, blind spots.

So, right now, I am in a pickle. I am hanging out with a guy I like a lot, but romantically? Not sure. His main appeal, beside the fact that he makes me laugh, is that he tells me I'm pretty with much frequency. But that's the thing, that isn't his main appeal, it's just the thing I think about when people say 'you're hanging out with Him again?'. I can not relax about this, it is not in my nature. I realize that there is no such thing as altruism, and that relationships, whether romantic or friendly, are full of self-gratification, reasons to be involved with a person merely to advance yourself in some way, but I don't want to be User.

Here is where I get honest with myself. I have hung out with this person 4, maybe 5 times, it is obviously not anything more than friendship at the moment, I will relax and see what happens.

Wineguy Date

Here's what I wore for my date last night with Wineguy.

I was feeling cute, let me tell you, but no compliments! boo. So, unfortunately for him, that was one strike against him.

We met in front of the Borders at Riverpark and from there got Gyros to go at that splendid place by the movie theatre. We took the food, and the case of wine that he brought, out to Woodward Park and had a picnic wine tasting. As dates go, I'd say that's pretty hard to top. He's very knowledgable about wine, but wasn't a snob when I had no clue what he was talking about. I'm terrible at wine, give me a box of something sweet and a glass with ice in it anyday. Although it was really the ideal setting, very romantic, it just wasn't going to start any fires. Wineguy is really nice, although maybe a little too full of his own intelligence, but there was definitely no spark. I will have to keep him in mind for a friend, because he really is a nice guy. Though 5'10", please, more like 5'8".

One thing I did try to do, that was really helpful, at least in my brain, was adopt a line from Sufism. The people that you meet are the ends, not the means. I really tried to just be there, in that moment. It completely eliminated my nerves.

Then again, it probably won't work next time.

Oh well, I got a case of half drunk wines out of it!

Who Pays?

Last night I met Stephen, a follower of my blog and a future date, isn't that exciting. I also had a man come into the restroom and look over the stall wall while I was occupying it. Those things are completely unrelated, I assure you, however it does illustrate the contradictions that are the Tower District in Fresno. On the one hand I met a very funny guy and had a great conversation, the fact that he was totally complimentary may have swayed me in his favor. On the other hand, the jerks. If only we could corral the jerks into one bar in one city.

Stephen (BTW, I hope I'm spelling your name right) did give me a tutorial in dating money etiquette. His theory, that I should act like I'm going to pay, offer to pay even, and hold out for the guy to pick up the tab. Seems a little suspect in my situation since I'm the one asking for the date. It has always been my feeling that the person doing the asking pays for the date, but I've heard from some men who tell me that it is emmasculating (sp?) to let the woman pay. What do you think?

My date with wineguy is Saturday and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I should put together a picnic and ask him to bring a bottle of wine. We'll see.

xo,
K

Shoes

The Black and White dress has won out. I haven't worn it in a while, so I'm glad, but now on the shoes and earrings. Well, really just shoes, because I am wearing these earrings. Sorry the picture is blurry.

Lisi suggested red shoes and I remembered that I had these fabulous goodies in the closet. Possibly the most comfortable heels I own, but I'm not sure about the style.

I've never worn these, because of the uncomfortable factor, but just looking at them makes me purr. Oh, how I love shoes.

These are the shoes I would normally wear with this dress. ????

I think it's pretty obvious that it's between the top two pairs. What do you think?

My friends, as you know, I will be attending Creative Fresno's Bartender's Challenge this Tuesday night and now is the time to choose an outfit. I'll probably drag this into two posts, just so you know! First things first - the dress. Please let know your favorite, the dress with the most votes will be the one I wear.

This black and white is super flattering, with lots of sparkle, but keep in mind that all shoes I have for this dress are uncomfortable. But Hot!


This is the dress I wore for my plantation excursions with Brooke and Nicole. I have a matching hat, but don't worry I won't wear it. It's really pretty on, very Daisy from Great Gatsby.

I've never gotten a chance to wear this brown linen shift. It's pretty flattering even with the Bam-Bam trim.

And last, but not least, the old standby. This pink dress makes me feel like a hot tamale, but I've worn it a lot lately.

This is me today, trying to care what I look like, but failing.

Much love!

Instant Gratification

What is the first thing that you notice about a date?

When I have been on blind dates in the past, the first thing I notice is height. I'm don't judge the date or person from that one factor, but it is the first thing I am aware of. So what about you my friends?

Brave

I've never been brave when it comes to the opposite sex. I suck at men, there I said it! The thought of approaching someone and asking them out on a date absolutely terrifies me, it's paralyzing. I am reminded that I really haven't spent that much time pursuing relationships, I've been keeping myself busy with everything else as a distraction.

My brain is not even in a plane of reality when it comes to rejection, what I am thinking is not that a guy might say 'no, thanks'. I have this whole scenario in my head wherein he looks me up and down and says 'why would I ever want to go out with an ugly, old hag like you'. Yep, that's where my brain goes. So all of those Cosmo articles that I've read, or online surveys that I've taken are merely academic if I can't put them into practice.

So here I am in a dilemma. How do I deal with a crippling fear?

The Big Push

Now that I've taken the leap to actually tell people what I want to do (which I was super nervous about), now I actually have to do it. Eleanor Roosevelt said that we should "Do one thing every day that scares you," or something to that effect, and that's what I feel like this is. My first date needs to happen in the next 10 days or so, who will it be?

Here's our first major discussion topic: What is the best way to approach someone that you are interested in? Feedback Please!!!